Friday, October 30, 2009

Cant sleep, so I,m off on one again...!!! Please feel free to ignore...

I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
Edward Everett Hale

I came across this quote earlier this evening and it has really made me think. It is 3.30 in the morning and I just feel as though this is something I need to say. You never know I might have deleted it before you all get the chance to see it. We,ll see.

Those of you who are new to my blog twitterings maybe get the impression that I have always been this way. But up until my Mum dying very few of you knew anything about me at all. You all knew I was a single Mum with 4 kids and had a bit of a hard life. Apart from that, not a lot else. Now you might as well be living alongside me , you all know so much, lol. So why the change..??

I have spent most of my life, for various reasons, not feeling good enough, not feeling wanted and feeling that I didn't really belong anywhere. I have always had issues with my self esteem, and I am extremely shy and unconfident ( contrary to what you all think)..!! I have perfected my smiley, cheery, loud act over the years to help me cope and to prevent people knowing the real me. Mum's death threw all this out the frikkin window. We have always had a very challenging relationship with each other, and it is only in the last five years that we really became able to know, understand, accept and love each other. Much of this stems from the fact she didn't know a lot about me and I never let the disguise drop. Now it is too late for her to get to know the real me, but it isn't too late for me to get to know the real me, if you understand what I mean. It is a very painful introduction and things have surfaced that I have kept hidden for most of my life, but I feel as though a weight is lifting. I always felt odd, different and very alone and couldn't understand aspects of my personality. Why did I do the things I did, why do I feel the need to press the self destruct button.? Why was there no one else like me.? I now find that there is, there are,people out there who are like me, who have been through the things I have been through. Although I wouldn't wish some of the things I,ve been through on anyone, it is extremely comforting to know I am not on my own. I am finally "normal" ,well as normal as I ever could be, lmao. I have found that many of the things I do, or have done, are "normal" for someone who has been through the same as me. I think this is why I am starting to be more vocal about things, you cant change what you cant confront, and by confronting my issues, I hope I am helping others realise they are not alone. Just knowing someone else is going or has gone through it helps enormously.
Now some of you might think, just cos it helps her, how does she know it would help others..?? I know because of the tons of private emails I receive day in day out, thanking me for putting into words what they have been unable to express, and pouring their heart out.It has astounded me the number of responses I get. Many of the things I talk about can only be recognised by fellow sufferers, and so I don't feel as though I am damaging myself by revealing them. It helps others a lot more than it damages me, and it is an important part of my healing process as well. I do get some comments from people who feel I shouldn't write anything personal on my blog as I am "supposed" to be a professional in the public eye. What a load of bollocks, there is nothing professional about me. I fell into this industry by accident, I loved creating and everything I learnt was an achievement for me. When I realised I had a flair for educating then new doors opened. I am extremely passionate about what I do and teach, and that is all I want to do. I do not want to be a celebrity, I do not want to be an artist, I do not want to be "professional". I just want to always feel this passion inside, to see the light in others eyes when they realise that, yes, they can do it as well. I have never set myself out to be the best there is, I just do what I love. I am well aware that I am not for some, and that to many I am an acquired taste, but you cant win en all, can you. Each to their own, I have spent 46 years being bothered about what people think, and desperately needing confirmations of acceptance. I now, finally realise what a crock of shit that is. Nobody can please everyone and there aint no point trying. I am now trying to live by this quote...

Be who you are and say what you want.
Cos those who mind don't matter,
And those that matter don't mind.

I am not trying to be everything to everyone, I am trying to find out who I am. It is a long slow painful journey and I do try to lighten it with humour, and I feel I am getting there. But without the blog, my life saving art journaling, my fantastic kids, and my so, so , soooooo wonderful friends, I would probably have given up trying and just gone back to my faithful disguise...!!!

And you know what, if you don't like what I write then don't frikkin read it. Its my freedom of speech to write this crap and its your prerogative to just bloody ignore it. So, on that, we are in agreement, lol.

I need to share with you this comment from the lovely Janey B who is not going through too great a time herself. I am not afraid to admit that it had me in tears when I read it, but I will treasure the words.

JaneyB said...
First - The kids are gorgeous and so is their work!

Second - Think I saw your mojo at the bottom of Maisie's little shopping cart (she must have borrowed it for a mo!)!

Third - The class today was fabarooni - a fab project, really lovely ladies, and lots of chat filled with raw honesty, and encouragement too!

Fourth -" Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do". H Jackson Brown Jnr

Fifth - You were right with what you said today about you being meant to do this. Your honesty Dyan is an inspiration to me (and no doubt loads of other women) and I cannot thank you enough for the fact that you are brave enough to share on such a wide spectrum of traumas, what so many of us have been afraid to voice out loud! We are such a mixed up bunch, all with our own baggage, but you are leading the way and one by one we are all following!

If I had a glass of Pinot Grigio in my right hand right now I'd be raising it to you!

Heres to being brave and true to ourselves xx


SueC said...

Hi Dyan
I agree with everything you've written. We all have issues with someone/thing in our lives and as for me I feel I know the "imposter syndrome" only too well.
Cheers!!!Sue xx

The Crafts House said...

its raw,its real,and thats why your well as the art,inspiration and "daily blog" to check out....loads and loads will agree

Queenie said...

Hiya Dylan
Stopped by for a visit to see what you have been up to and i just want you to know that although you dont know me i find you an
"inspiration and a joy" i am sooo glad you didnt delete your words that came from your "heart" and with such "honesty" and glad you got closer to your mum and sure that she is looking down on you with pride at all you have achieved so far in your life..which by the way i think is "fantastic"!!!!!!!!
There are times that i think to myself..where do i fit in ,is what i am doing good enough..i never feel like i can do enough but as i have turned the big 40 this year i am trying to be more positive and trying not to care as much what people think of me if they dont like me then thats there problem..or so i keep telling myself,lol.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us mixed up lot and just cause people think we look like we have things together it isnt always the case you just have to look in someones eyes to see the real person..eyes speak a million words.
By the by i love reading your "freakin words",lol.
big hugs to you
and have a good weekend.
not going to read this back cause it is probably all mish mash and i will delete it,lol.

Virginia said...

Hi Dyan

I've been off all week and it's been awesome to get up and read your blog even though I sit here wondering how you are going to function on such little sleep when I seem to need hours and hours of it just to surface! I've never sent a private e-mail to you but witter on at the bottom of your postings (writing war and peace as that's my style) about how brave you are and how your life resembles mine, or my sisters or my Mums. Todays posting was particularly powerful, truthful and honest as always. I love your honesty, I don't want you to be 'professional' if that stops you being you, everyone I know lives their lives behind a mask, pretending to be those disguises finding it difficult to be themselves. The pain you feel over the loss of your Mum and the years spent with her and her not 'knowing' you is a painful journey to walk, but you said you had five years where you were at one with each other and those times are precious and you will always manage to cherish them. I cherish the few memories I have of my Dad (he died when I was 16) it's harder to hear his voice these days I have to close my eyes and really concentrate, 20 years have passed and it's much more difficult to hear him and his laugh! My sister was only 8 when he died and my brother 6 - they don't have those memories that I have and it has been so hard to find their path in life without that figurehead. We continue to strive to learn lifes daily lessons and just be ourselves without our disguises - continue being you and we'll continue being us and between us all we can change peoples attitudes and just spend a little time being ourselves without no pretences, assumptions, masks or disguises.

Hope you have a great day off



Wrightboysmum said...

WTG Girl step away from the delete button. Just keep being yourself which as you say isn't always the easier path. And remember there is always vodka and paint to smooth the way. We all have those thoughts in our head some people just ignore them more than others. I appreciate you sharing and leading the way. Thanks.
WV = Ditteere. Is someone trying to tell me something this morning lol.

crafty creations said...

Wow !!!! Oh how I wish I could put in to words the way I feel Dylan - you bring a smile and sometimes a tear to my day for which I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You are such an inspiration to many - one of these days I'll get to Harrogate !!!!

Sharon said...

Catching up with your blog now that I am home from my jollies.
You are so right in what you have written. The quote you used:
"Be who you are and say what you want.
Cos those who mind don't matter,
And those that matter don't mind." is spot on.
I love your honesty - it is a strength.

sassy said...

hi dylan
i have left tiny messages before especially as your loss was around the time of my loss of both my parents and like you i fill my blog with my inermost thoughts and always tempted to delete...ive never found i fit in the big scale of life and always out to please others...i read my recent post back today and thought of deleting it i must come across as doom and gloom..but its my space noone has to read it i dont care...i was so fortunate to have been there for my mum over the years and we were so close her death as had a profound effect on my life and i still cant get through most days without crying and like you try to be the happy smily person people think i am...i work with the elderly which can still show me on a daily basis the pain in some the knowledge in others but the trust they have in me yet i still feel inadequate..thank you for your most honest writings they touch me when i read them especially this post i can relate to it so much if ifelt in places i was reading about me......i have dropped my disguse as i no longer want to act the suffering so deep inside i dont want people to feel sorry for me but just to listen and understand..i need to off load..and my blog is my place..i wish i had your way with words and wish you everything you wish yourself...i love to read about your work especially with the children and having someone like you to help there creativity flow well ....well done and you just be you..we love you the way you are and your mum well she sure will be proud of you too.....sorry for the wafflings...see there i go again apologising...but ikonw you thats good enough for me have a wonderful week end sadly wont be a great one here as its my mums birthday on sunday...and if i wanna cry im gonna dam well cry..but there tears of love..not for pity it just how i feel...hugs sassyxxxxxxxxx

Ann said...

I’m so proud of you,
Proud to call you friend.
Your journey is a triumph,
And worth it in the end.

Suzy said...

I read your blog all the time and am so inspired by your work

I really miss you not coming to the SECC at Glasgow anymore but know why you dont come as it is such a long way

I fell into crafting almost by accident as a way to take my mind off an imminent separation about five or six years ago.

Again by accident I found a fairly local craft shop and plucked up the courage to start classes there - I have lost touch sadly with the wonderful teacher there as the shop closed down and I think she probably moved on to better things but the classes for me were so much more than just learning to make cards or whatever - they truly helped me on my way to finding me and getting my confidence back which had been buried so so deep for so long.

The people who attend your classes are so lucky as you always seem to give so much to them as Mel used to give to her classes.

Funny how crafting seems to be a great healer for a lot of people

You should just blog exactly the way you feel

I have just started a blog and havent put much on there yet but I have been followed your art journalling and am just trying to pluck up the courage to give it a go


Michelle said...

We all have choices, its your blog and you say and do what you want on it. We like it just the way it is..If anyone doesnt like it find something else to do with their perfect/boring lives!


kirsticoo said...

Hey Dy... I'm with you al the way on expressing yourself on YOUR blog... you make me cry and luagh sometimes with some of the things you say and I think a lot of people have issues to deal with and just put a face on for the public and you don't and that's what I love about you...can you tell I have had 5or6 bottles of lagger and no tea tonight???)....Take care and more hugs to you...Kirsti x

Traceyr said...

Big hugs sent to you Dyan and I did ready Janey's comments when she first posted them and thought how I am missing out by not attending one of your fabulous workshops every month. I live too far away. :(

Steve Berke said...

I enjoyed reading your article :) PLease continue publishing helpful topics like this. Regards, from beddingstock.

Quote of the Century

"You are an extraordinary woman.

How can you expect anything ordinary to happen to you"

Louisa May Alcott