Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The girls done good.

Oh yes what a fabby day we had.. Love, love, love this class sooooooo much. Mind you , I always worry that the students are not going to understand what I am trying to get them to do, so I always have a mad panic beforehand. It isn't just a case of them following what I do, they need to be able to let their own ability and creativeness come through. I assist , titivate and run around like a mad woman but the essence must always come from within themselves. And I have to say they rose to the challenge magnificently.
The canvas's are first collaged with decorative paper and then built up with layer after layer of glaze, adding to the depth and dimension. Halfway through they always look like a dogs dinner, but with perseverance and some slight titivation from me they blossom into stunning works of art.

Here's the finished canvases. Shelley (good luck on your Ashley Jackson course at the weekend)

Sandra, my little Northern Soulie mate, love her xx

Ali, who was so stunned that she produced such a piece.

Alison who very creatively bucked the trend and went for a flower.

Janet proud as punch!!

Dawn, who is camping out at the back of the studio..!!

Diane, who bless her didn't even flinch when I applied black all over her glazes..!! It made for a stunningly rich burgundy, honest.

And Pat. How big is that smile..?? lol

All I can say is, Ladies I salute you...!!!
I am having a really bad week this week. Just when I thought I was starting to heal slightly, bang it comes and rolls over me like a tidal wave. The grief feels as strong at the moment as it did 11 wks ago. Its supposed to start getting better not worse and I was totally unprepared for it. Maybe I am just getting over the shock and numbness, but it is feeling so raw all over again.
My emotions are completely to pot and my concentration is shattered. I feel as though I want to stand in the middle of the studio and scream. Maybe the fact that the Histology report has just come back hasn't helped. Because of the circumstances of Mum,s death the Pathologist ordered extra investigations to be done, with the result being that the primary cancer was a particularly aggressive type of lung cancer, and the secondary cancer had spread through her bones. Even if it had been found earlier it would not have been treatable. Thankfully the heart attack saved her from a particularly drawn out and unpleasant death. Luckily she didn't suffer as much as she maybe would have, and that is such a blessing. Although it doesn't stop me from being a really selfish cow and wishing I could have had just one more day with her. I miss her so much and although I am surrounded by loving family and fantastic friends I feel so alone.
I know many feel that I should have moved on further by now, but I tell you what, I,m doing this my way. It really helped to talk about it in the early days, and then I didn't need to for ages. But I need to get this down at the moment and I am praying it will help.I will never again underestimate the power of someones grief and the overwhelming feelings of helplessness.. My thoughts are with anyone and everyone going through this awful process. Especially to one of my dear students, the lovely Jackie. I am thinking of you and sending you lots of love and healing thoughts.


Virginia said...


I sit and watch your blog from afar - promising myself one day to come and play in the studio and create an amazing masterpiece, but today I felt compelled to write and send you hugs, there is no right and wrong way to grieve and the 'it gets better' bit that people have told you isn't exactly true. You see, I lost my Dad 20 years ago when I was 16 and I still can't get over it, you never do 'get over it' life just becomes a little more bearable with time, your grief is your own, feel it completely when you want to cry and scream do just that, keeping emotions in is no good for anyone. Do a little note for your students - 'If I suddenly stand up and scream it's because I need to let out my frustration and sorrow - apologies in advance' we are all expected to deal with life, get on with it, live it, love it, but no one teaches us how to deal with grief, it is such a difficult emotion, we feel lost and child like, we want someone to make it better, we want one more moment with that loved one, just one more word, to undo things that were done or to do things that were not.

11 weeks on everything will still be very very very raw, thankfully with your art you have some creative vent to release some of your anguish, but don't feel that you have to 'get on with it now' no one feels that no one wants the sticking plaster effect for you, take your time, one step at a time, if it's a bad day its a bad day, if it's a good day its a good day, just learn to embrace it.


Unknown said...

Hi Dy - Grief is sooo personal there is no right or wrong way for it to affect you - from experience (dad and bro within 10 months)I would say the first year is a roller coaster 2 steps forward and one step back. You dread the 1st Anniversary then find number 2 hits you harder than the first did. Every day is a day at a time. Hold onto the good things when you are on a good day to pull out when you are feeling down again. Be kind to yourself everyday and NEVER feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Thats you. And your family, friends, students and followers will embrace that because you are you and we love you for it xx ((((Huge Hug))))

Kaz said...

Stuff what anybody else feels as it's personal to you. There are no set rules for grief, you just have to go with the flow.

Sending hugs xx

Amanda Sheridan said...

"Keep the faith"

Paper Paradise said...

Another special hug from me Dyan, been thinking of you today...... See you (along with the other Grimsby gals) on 23rd.
Sue xxx

Annette said...

Can only echo what others have said already. (((hugs))) See you soon.

cla16e said...

oh my word, virginia you brought tears to my eyes, that wa beautifuly written & so true. Dyan I hope you take on board what she said & take ur time healing. You might even need time away for a while but my thoughts are with you. Hugs on their way to you. Take care.x

Unknown said...

everybody grieves in different ways and in different time scales, you will never truly get over it but you will find a way to cope with the grief in your own way that is personal to you.

Take your time and it will all come good in the end, just remember talking it over is what true friends are for. They are the ones that when they ask if you are ok they expect any reply and not just what they want to hear 'Im ok'.

Can't wait to come to mini RU next month.

Emma xx

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