Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Reincarnation of self.......

Just lately I have been receiving lots of comments about my "new" style of dressing. It has come as a shock to lots of you, but not half as much as a shock as it has to me, lol. I have always been happy with the way I've dressed, quirky, individual, always in mostly black.!  I have always dressed for me and for my shape. I wore black because I like black and it always went with my red hair. Tim could never understand it and once said, "I always expect you to wear lots of colour, because inside your head you are a rainbow".!! But contrary to what a lot of people may think, I don't like to stand out, I am happy for the attention to be on my work rather than me.

This has always worked well for me over the years, and having spent most of my life on the slim, slimmer and veritably skinny side, with the occasional weight gain through pregnancy and illness, clothing has never been an issue. I know what works and stick to it. But what happens when suddenly everything is turned upside down.? Owning up to my Bulimia is enabling me to finally come to terms with it after 41yrs. I am by no means "cured" and don't expect I ever will be, but I can understand and I can cope. As a consequence of this my weight has increased and increased and increased.!! I am by no means obese but to someone who is used to being a 10/12 a 16/18 is very frightening.

I have never had womanly curves and never wanted them. The straight up and down look suited me just fine, and although the rest of my family including cousins and aunties were all generously curvy, it never struck me as odd that I wasn't. It was just the way I was, as usual, different to all the rest.
Now, all of a sudden I have all these womanly lumps and bumps appearing all over, which take me by surprise. I have to angle myself differently whilst going through doors for fear of bumping it with my boobs, and I still get stuck on Maisie's slide cos I forget my ass isn't a cool size 10 anymore. At one point this weight gain would have horrified me and possibly tipped me over the edge, but I had reached the point where my desire to conquer my bulimia was more important than my desire to be skinny. Therefore I was prepared for a temporary weight adjustment.

The idea being, it is more important to be healthy than thin...right.!! I know a lot of people have the notion that bulimia is just a silly fad and isn't life threatening, but they would be wrong on both counts. It is an illness that grips your very soul, that controls your every thought, that gives you untold medical and health problems, encourages you to be unsociable and due to its very nature of making you feel ashamed, keeps it a very deep underground secret. It is an illness that is worn on the inside of your heart away from others opinions, buried deep under the dark clothing. It is an illness that controls you from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep.

But it controls me no more, I made the decision to let it out into the open, and on good days I control it, but for the most part we work through it together.

I had thought that after this last two years the weight would start to come off again as my body stabilised and I would soon be back to my "normal" "natural" body type. But that doesn't seem to be happening and was driving me mad, to the point I was becoming obsessive again. All you could hear me say was " I just want to be normal again".!!  It was only when Mr Babe of Deliciousness said " But what if that was never really "normal" for you, maybe it's just what you thought was normal"?

That sent me off on a long journey of thinking. What if all these years my body shape hadn't come from being "naturally skinny", from rogue skinny genes, and had in fact been a consequence of my eating disorder.? What if this is what I was meant to have looked like all along.? Eeeeeek then the panic set in, and it has taken a massive amount of resolve to accept it, and for the most part I am. I now have it n my head, I come from a curvy family, I had a curvy mother, I am supposed to be curvy.
I am slowly coming to accept that having boobs and a bum, hips and thighs can be fun.After years of straight up and down, I now go in an out in the strangest (to me) of places.

Which is all well, but my style of dress for the last umpteen years no longer works. So after a lot of thinking, moaning, crying gnashing of teeth, it became a case of "put up or shut up". So out it all went and a new me was planned. I have always loved the fashions of the 50's, the clothes my Mum grew up in. She looked cracking in all her figure hugging outfits, having all the curves to do them justice. So I started scouring the second hand shops to see what I could find, and slowly slowly it is starting to come together. First a 50's shift dress in a dark colour, a little cardi, a fuller shape skirt, a cropped jumper, a flower for my hair, a scarf for my neck.......and then a flowery dress, a lilac shift, a turquoise top... I am gradually finding a style that suits. Everything is altered to give me that individual Dyan quirk that I need, and I am amazing myself more and more.

 I am starting to quite like the feminine look and enjoying the compliments. The rainbow inside my head appears to be qute liking it on the outside as well, lol. I still have many moments of panic and hysteria, when the battle between healthy and skinny plays out in my head, but for the most part I am embracing my womanly figure and gradually relaxing into it.

My only regret is that my Mum never got to see the "real" me, although I suppose she knew it was there all along.!!

Maybe my new style is in some way a homage to her as well, after years of trying to distance myself as much as possible, maybe I am now acknowledging and accepting where my roots really lie.

Curves of all shapes and sizes...I salute you...


Bernice Hopper said...

I think you look stunning. Enjoy it.

Sandra Hall said...

Behold - A Beautiful Voluptuous Woman I see before me! Love you! x

Clare with paint in her hair said...

your mum was a very pretty lady! I think you look wonderful now!

Rainbow Lady said...

I think you look great whichever way you dress.... enjoy the new you xx

ellen vargo designs said...

You are awesome... whether it's straight up & down or curvy in all the right places. Loving the new style and how you make it your own. I love the "inner rainbow" analogy - brilliant!

Michelle said...

Hi Dianne
I often pop by to see how you are without leaving a message but today I just have to say hi. Sooooo much respect coming your way!!It's hard coming to terms with being yourself and harder to do it in public but it's great to know there are other people out there who are fighting the good fight. You are a huge inspiration in so many ways and have certainly influenced me on my path.
Much love

Kate Creates - a lot of mess, just ask my family..... said...

You looked fantastic on Saturday in your flowery frock

Kate Creates - a lot of mess, just ask my family..... said...

You looked fabulous in your flowery frock on Saturday. Love your longer hair too.

Helen said...

You look gorgeous! What a brave post to publish. Love ya!!

Martha Richardson said...

You look fabulous and HEALTHY!!!

maggie warke said...

You look Fab!!, I love your new 'dyan look'! Embrace it x Maggie

Sue said...

TG you make me smile.

Joanne said...

Well done you for sharing this journey. I am sure even the non-bulimic ones amongst us can relate to your feelings.

Laura said...

You are a stunning women and i love your new style darling, my best friend is a gorgeous voluptious women and she totally rocks the rockabilly look and so do you, love it xxxx

Kaz said...

I can so relate with everything you said!! Im always hiding behind my many masks of insecurity......... Im taking note of your confidence!!I Love that you have just stuck two giant fingers up to those demons, You are beautiful inside and out, rainbows always shine bright like you xx

You Rock this look chick!!


angie's blogspot said...

Aww Dyan glad you seem to have found a comforatable you, your'e new style is fab and really suits you, I have only met you once and that was at Reebok a few years ago and you looked as well then as you do now but with curves. I have never at 47 found my style yet, and struggle with my weight I'm a 12/14 below and 16/18 above, the thing that pees me off is for years I had psoriasis on my knees and couldn't wear skirts/dresses, now that has gone I have to suffer from veins so still can't wear skirts or dresses which annoys me as my legs are quite slim, I'm battling the muffin top at the moment and hormones yada yada, I too will be glad when I find myself. Have fun with your new style. xxx

Siobhan Brignull said...

your words are heartfelt and inspirational Dyan, we women berate ourselves for most of our life as to how we look and what we think we should look like, we should embrace it like you have, well done hun and you look FAB. x

Rebecca said...

Well I think you look fab and I'll get my 10yr old daughter read this as she's already decided she's fat as she tall and not like most of her skinny friends.
I keep telling het that she's beautiful inside & out and we all come in different shapes & sizes.
Keep the demons down and enjoy the new found you
Happy craftin

thekathrynwheel said...

Bravo, well said. You look gorgeous. And I'm jealous of your bosoms :-)) x

Mo said...

Oh Dyan, there is no such animal as 'normal'. The wonder of being human is that we are all unique. What a joy that you are learning to be able to start being the woman that only you can be. My 33 year old daughter is Bipolar 1, was anorexic then bulemic and fights the battle every day. On her more sucessful days she is delighted with having been able to be herself. That feeling keeps her going on tougher days. Keep sharing the burden - There is so much understanding and support out there. Make use of it. After all, look at the joy you offer us by sharing your art! I send you waves of strength.

Liverpool Lou (Anne) said...

Hi Dyan, it's not you and yet it is; if that makes sense. What I mean is that it's different and yet still echoes your style, and it's great :-)
Anne xx

Chris said...

Dyan you are such an inspiration and I always love your honesty!!

Well done on fighting your demons and braving that wonderful new style which is so beautifully you :D

I'm a pear shaped serial dieter and love colour but feel uncomfortable wearing it so have a wardrobe full of bland clothing but one day I may emerge as a butterfly just like you have.... Way to go!!

Chris xx

SeasideKaren said...

Dyan, you always look beautiful, and you are and will remain an inspiration in the way you dress, whatever that may be! I love the '50's style, and hubby has bought me a dress for my 51st birthday. I've been a size 12 for about a decade, and slowly accepted being a 14 when I hit 50 last year. However, they only had a size 16 left in my dream frock, so I decided I'd take it in....then, instrad of being happy that I had my dream frock, I was really upset because it fit me!!!! Thank you for making me accept what I know deep down....who cares what size you are, it's the size of your heart that should be measured...and our hearts are huge, aren't they!!!

Sarah Louise said...

Oh Dyan, you have made me cry with this open heart post. Glad you are finally at peace with it all and i am just loving the new look, may pinch some ideas, lol

Will be seeing you in July as i have booked a class, yay

Debo said...

Incredible post, hit a nerve with me but I'm still hiding my secret.
Can't imagine that I'll ever disclose it. You are brave and an inspiration!

St Catherine of Sienna said:

'Be who God meant you to be and you will set the World on fire.'

In the meantime, I will continue to wear grey and release my inner butterfly with Ranger Inks!!!

Alison Horne said...

you look fabulous, healthy and more happy that I've seen you in a photo, having only met you once at all pally[by the way you better be there in sept lm[fat]ao.]
plus mr delicious sounds like a keeper, with his wise loving words. Hugs and thanks for the sharing and the inspiration of your words and work. and the beautifully wrapped parcels that make me feel like 'its my birthday.' 'go order like its my birthday.'

Diana said...

WOW!!! thank you for sharing that with us. i love your style and size!! you are beautiful curvy woman!! embrace and enjoy!

wendy vecchi said...

Always LADY DY...
ALWAYS adorable!
See you soon my friend!!

Rosie said...

As a former self harmer I understand the description of your bulimia all too well. I suspect all that black was an outward sign of how you felt about yourself inside? Now the rainbow is released .... and who knows what will happen, just embrace it and love yourself. You're a gorgeous woman!

Anonymous said...

Omg Dylan - girl it takes some real balls, not only to admit what you've been going through, but even more so to show the inner you on the outside. I think you look fabulous and am sending you big curvy hugs! Love your work and your new look ;)

Joy said...

Wow! and you've kept your own unique style! xx

Jacquie Parry said...

What an inspiring post! I too have been bulimic and on a very bad day can still be, but like you it doesn't control me now.
I was a size 12 once but now I'm a 22 after two kids! I went to one of your taster workshops and I thought you looked stunning.
You really inspire me
Jacquie x

Cardarian said...

You are a beautiful women - enjoy and embrace the curves you never had!

Linda R said...

You are so darn cute! I struggle with overeating and understand the struggle. Loved the honesty and gave me some things to think about, thanks.

Alix said...

dyan thankyou so much for this post...a heartwrencher but for all the right reasons.
i know how hard food can be, how hard it can be to accept an altered body image...let alone an altered body shape. congratulations and good luck on your journey...and how cool that you've found a way to display your rainbow and be yourself at the same time as honouring your mum!
{{{{{{huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge hugs}}}}}}}}} and remember...one day at a time!

Alix said...

oh dyan...food can be such a difficult issue...not to mention an altered body image and shape.
{{{{{{{*one day at a time, hon*}}}}}}}}
how lovely though that your inner rainbow is now able to peek out and what a tribute to your Mum too!
remember you are beautiful on the inside as well as the outside :0)

Quote of the Century

"You are an extraordinary woman.

How can you expect anything ordinary to happen to you"

Louisa May Alcott