Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I am in a strange place at the moment. Numb from grief but happy with relief. Its a bit like no mans land and I am sure many of you have inhabited this little world as well. Unfortunately many more of you will in the future.
The thing most people are saying to me is "I didn't realise your Mum was so ill". And unfortunately neither did we. She had a chronic degenerative back problem , where her bones were literally crumbling away , and had all come to terms with the fact that this was a condition that was untreatable, bar from extreme pain management and nursing from us.( I have to say I have the best two daughters ever. Jay and Emmi practically moved in with Mum and did everything possible to make her life easier). But there were lots of other underlying niggles and she was convinced that there was more to it .She received a lot of support from her GP ( who we cannot thank enough for her wealth of compassion and kindness). She was instrumental in instigating test after test but Mum was constantly told there was nothing there, she felt that people thought she was just malingering.
Every week for 4 weeks she was told she was being sent home from hospital and just needed rehabilitation, when it was obvious to us that she was deteriorating fast.
Suddenly the medical team sprang into action and Monday she had a CT scan, Wednesday early evening , after a lot of persistence on our part, I was told she had massive growths and had only weeks to live, Thurs lunch she died.
She had massive primary and secondary Cancers in the lungs and bones and had suffered a heart attack in the previous 24 hrs. All this had been missed.
Finding it earlier would have made no difference to the eventual outcome but it would have made a great deal of difference to her quality of care and her own peace of mind. I struggle with this fact.
I feel deeply privileged that we all spent a lot of time with her in these last few months , and were all there for her last few hours. But my heart has been wrenched out and at the moment I am left with a gaping hole.
I have always loved this saying and I feel it is very apt now.

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things I can,
And the WISDOM to know the difference

Night, night mum, God bless.


Mrs Wonka said...

There's nothing I can say that can help or change things but just know that you have friends who although not with you are holding you hand all the way!


Sharon said...

So sorry to hear how your mum's condition went undiagnosed for so long.
Thinking of you all just now.

Veronica said...

Beautiful xxxxx

Elaine said...

this is on a card I carry around with me:

We do not remember the days, but we remember the moments...

hope it helps Dyan

You are all in my thoughts

much love

Elaine x

Unknown said...

there are no words i can leave you and i am going through all these emotions too.my mum passed away on the 13th dec 08 and a christmas eve funeral not a good time ...there is never good time ...my only consolation now is my mum is free just like your mum but she will always be with you as i feel my mum is with me...i have only these past three days stopped crying.....there are triggers everywhere we look.....time will heal but hang on tight we wont let you fall and if you do we will catch you.....love xx

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear this.
Love Caroline x

Katy said...

No words can ease the suffering you are feeling. I just wanted to say there is alot of crafters out there thinking of you at this terrible time.

Sending all my love and hugs.



p.s. love the poem

Aky said...

Feel for you Dy, really do, and am so sorry to hear you are where you are at the moment. Just take courage from knowing you did all you could do and she knew how much she was loved. Take good care xx

Unknown said...

Oh Dy so sorry to hear of all these complications with your mum. How hard this must be for you all. x Huge hugs to you and yours x

Roz said...

god bless Dyan, I know how you feel and it does slowly get better.
Take care of yourself

buffalo said...

I have that saying on my bookcase and it's helped me through many difficult times. You've been in my thoughts and prayers so much this week - God Bless. xx

Jennie -The Artistic Stamper said...

Dyan, my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time

Trace Dee said...

Dyan you and all your family are in my prayers. I cannot express how moving this post was. I'm so sorry to hear that it wasnt diagnosed earlier. Lots of love to you and your wonderfull family.


Kirsty Wiseman said...

bloody hell Dy, Im sobbing me little heart out here so god knows what you are goingthrough. loves xx

Jennie -The Artistic Stamper said...

Dyan, my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad and precious time

Classroomfree said...

I really can't make a comment on what you have been through or are going through right now. Just felt I needed to say that I'm thinking of you all. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Julia x

danemi1 said...

hugs hugs hun to you and yours


ally said...

Sending you all huge hugs.
I was told this when my mum passed away.
She will always be with you, she is in your heart and in your memories. You take her everywhere with you and she will always be there.
It still brings me comfort 9yrs later

Michelle said...

You are in my prayers.
Michelle xx

frizzy said...

So sorry to read the news about your mum Dyan. Thinking of you and sending you all our love from diane (and her mum)


Sheila said...

My heart breaks for you Dyan.

Quote of the Century

"You are an extraordinary woman.

How can you expect anything ordinary to happen to you"

Louisa May Alcott