So proud

Yesterday was a horrible day, but we got through it. The service was beautiful and the church was absolutely rammed with people. My younger brother read out a "letter to Grandma" from his son , which choked everyone. And my older brother gave a fabulous speech about Mum and her wonderful ways. It amazes me how they both found the strength to be able to do it. Many people had travelled a long way to be with us and I was so touched by the feeling of love and admiration that they had for Mum. Many commented ,at the wake, that if Mum had been there she would have loved it as we did her proud. Thank you to all the wonderful family and friends who turned out to show their respects. She was a very special person to so many in so many ways and will be greatly missed.

It is not often that I get all four of my fabulous children in the same room , at the same time. And to see them dressed so smartly, and so I couldn't resist capturing the moment. It may sound odd to some to take photos just before a funeral, but Mum was such a loving Grandma to them all and she would have been delighted to see them looking so wonderful.

Today brought home to me just how "grown - up" they all are now. I was so proud of them today and the way they handled themselves. Although they are all grieving and hurting badly themselves ,they went out of their way , all day,to ensure I was alright.

Big thank you to Mark. He was a big part of my family for a long, long time and Mum was very dear to him. She, in turn, thought the world of him. I am not sure how I and the kids would have got through without him by my side. Thanks babe you done good.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, I cannot express how much they meant to me. It amazes me the time people have taken to show that they care. I will treasure that for ever. Those of you who have lost their mothers, my heart goes out to you. Those of you still lucky enough not to, go give her a big hug and a kiss and treasure those moments.

I have now become the "head" of my little family and I don't like it. Who am I going to go to when things go wrong? Who is going to tell me everything is all right? Who am I going to go to , to make it all better? I know that "life goes on", but I want it to go backwards, I want to hold her hand one more time and tell her I love her. I want to say all the things I never said and I want to do all things I never did. I want her to know just how much I really loved her and that she was the best Mum and friend that I could ever wish for.

And I want to tell her that I am sorry.