I am in a strange place at the moment. Numb from grief but happy with relief. Its a bit like no mans land and I am sure many of you have inhabited this little world as well. Unfortunately many more of you will in the future.
The thing most people are saying to me is "I didn't realise your Mum was so ill". And unfortunately neither did we. She had a chronic degenerative back problem , where her bones were literally crumbling away , and had all come to terms with the fact that this was a condition that was untreatable, bar from extreme pain management and nursing from us.( I have to say I have the best two daughters ever. Jay and Emmi practically moved in with Mum and did everything possible to make her life easier). But there were lots of other underlying niggles and she was convinced that there was more to it .She received a lot of support from her GP ( who we cannot thank enough for her wealth of compassion and kindness). She was instrumental in instigating test after test but Mum was constantly told there was nothing there, she felt that people thought she was just malingering.
Every week for 4 weeks she was told she was being sent home from hospital and just needed rehabilitation, when it was obvious to us that she was deteriorating fast.
Suddenly the medical team sprang into action and Monday she had a CT scan, Wednesday early evening , after a lot of persistence on our part, I was told she had massive growths and had only weeks to live, Thurs lunch she died.
She had massive primary and secondary Cancers in the lungs and bones and had suffered a heart attack in the previous 24 hrs. All this had been missed.
Finding it earlier would have made no difference to the eventual outcome but it would have made a great deal of difference to her quality of care and her own peace of mind. I struggle with this fact.
I feel deeply privileged that we all spent a lot of time with her in these last few months , and were all there for her last few hours. But my heart has been wrenched out and at the moment I am left with a gaping hole.
I have always loved this saying and I feel it is very apt now.
God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things I can,
And the WISDOM to know the difference
Night, night mum, God bless.