Ok here we go with another post that I will probably regret in the morning. I have done soooooo soooooo many of those, it is like a train crash. I know I shouldnt but I just can't help myself. I seem to be drawn to putting myself in the firing line! It's like an itch that needs scratching, you scratch it and relief comes, but the scratching can make it sore. I itch and itch and itch and the blogging is the release. But I never seem to be able to delete it and not press the send button.! Maybe one day I will learn..
As many of you know I am on one of my creative frenzies at the moment (nice way of putting it). I came back from LA on a real high. My art was really, really well recieved. I know quite a few peoples opinions of me changed when they saw my "real" art. It was a nice feeling to start with, people wanting to befriend me on f/b, twitter, blog etc. The many congratulations on my stamp release etc. And I know I shouldn't really say it but I really struggle with it. I am getting a lot better, because I can own it for a couple of days now, before Imposter Syndrome comes crashing in. Then all hell breaks loose. My high, of feeling good, turns into a massive high of anxiety, self doubt and panic, which throws my world upside down. And that is where I am residing at the moment. And as with everything in life there are positives and negatives.
Everyone seems to focus on the plus's and the negatives don't enter their thoughts. And why should they? It all sounds good, doesn't it? I seem to have tons of energy, I am at my most creative and productive,I need little or no sleep, no food, and my own company is the best in the world. Yayy way to go....or so it seems.
Eighteen months ago I was diagnosed with something that has been suspected for most of my life...Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar. Not for me the depressive stages though, oh no I veer from normal to high to very high ( not a shock eh? ) . I am like a bouncing ball, or a Duracell rabbit full of Red Bull. I used to be really embarassed about the way I was and try and hide it from everyone, in case they thought I was stark raving mad or off my head on drugs, but I am slowly coming to terms with it. I have learnt that a lot of highly creative people are in fact the same as me. We don't "suffer" from the disorder, we just live our lives with it as a constant companion.! I have had many people comment how nice it is for me to be able to have the time to make all this art. But to be honest, I don't have the time, and its only when the batteries start to wear themselves out that I will be able to come down, rest and sleep. It is hard work being so awake and productive whilst being so exhausted. I can't concentrate on anything for long, so anything "businessy is out of the question. I am doing 85 things at once, jumping from one thing to another right in the middle. My brain is on a mission and won't give up. And yet I still have a business to run, important decisions to make, a meeting tomorrow with the bank manager, paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork, that is impossible to buckle down to. It's not that much fun now is it.?
Here are many of the symptons whilst in the manic phase
•feeling very happy, elated or euphoric (overjoyed) ... check
•talking very quickly ... check
•feeling full of energy ... check
•feeling full of great new ideas and having important plans ...check
•being easily distracted ... check
•being easily irritated or agitated ... check
•being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking ... normal for me really....lol
•not feeling like sleeping ... check
•not eating ... check
•doing pleasurable things that often have disastrous consequences, such as spending large sums of money on expensive and sometimes unaffordable items. ... uncheck....due to locking oneself in bedroom and being skint...
Sound familiar. Luckily I can manage without going over the top, and I do this by doing my art. But I am always a little afraid of what comes out. Confused...?? Well take a look at these two pages.
When I am in the midst of creating, I seem to be on auto pilot. I have no set intentions of what I am going to produce, I just put my head down and go. I retreat from the world into my bedroom, my safe haven, and start my stff. But first the room has to cleaned within an inch of it's life. Every cupboard, every drawer, every storage box, is taken out, resorted and replaced. I don't have OCD I have CDO because it's in alphabetical order.!!!!! When it's all to my satisfaction then I can relax. By "relax" I mean my anxieties, not my mind and body lol. It is a form of self harm. Now don't get me wrong, thankfully I do not hurt myself physically. But I do punish myself, however unintentional. Not sleeping, withdrawing from the world, not eating,not looking after yourself at all, is not exactly good for you. I go very into myself and all that is important is the art. I don't want attention, or sympathy, or fixing....I just need accepting that this is the way I am. I have the same genetics as most of you, but my brain has always been wired that little bit differently. I am really writing this post for me, so that when my manicness is calming down I will be able to come back, read and try to understand how I felt at this moment.
I know I am not alone in my dealings with it, but at times like this it sure feels like it. Who else is blogging at 3.30 am, listening to an audio book and journaling all at the same time, whislt knowing that, in reality, when the Bank Manager sees you haven't prepared the P&l, the cash flow, or the figures you will be up s**t creek without a frikkin paddle.?
Sorry if I have ranted on, but rest assured, normal service will resume as soon possible..hopefully before the Bank Manager gets to me..!!!!
Enjoy your sleep xx