Sunday, January 9, 2011

Me, me, oh and me..!!! lmao.

I have just spent a much needed weekend in the company of some fabulous women. Yes it was Fallen Angels time again. Unfortunately one of the founder members was sunning herself in the Carribean  -  ooh get her!!!  - but the rest were all present and correct. We also had a newbie with us who spent the whole weekend worrying that we were going to involve her in an initiation ceremony.!!. Our weekends involve no planning, no rules, no bosses, no restraints. Its a case of do what you want, when you want, if you want... I don't want to cook or wash up so I don't. I don't want to be made to feel I have to join in with things, so I don't. I don't want to feel obliged to do anything I can't be arsed with, SO I DON'T... I do my own thing in the company of like minded women all doing their own thing. There was art journaling and crafting galore. A fabulous Christmas dinner, the best vodka lime I have ever tasted, Dvd's, music, laughter, tears and marvelous, marvelous company.
I was in the presence of some formidable women aged 22 - 50, each one extremely dear to me and with an important presence in my life. Each of us going through the ever increasing shit of everyday life, but each there to offer help and support. We don't aim to solve or change anyones problems but just to offer a shoulder or an ample bosom, and by heck there were a fair few of them to choose from.!!! We come together communally whenever we want but we also have the luxury of stepping back for solitary time, if required, no questions asked. Priceless....
I had made evryone a canvas journal and it was only when I handed them over that I realised I hadn't made one for me, lol. Well I felt extremely left out so I whipped one up. It will serve a dual purpose as it will be another sample for CHA.  I used Rangers new and improved colourwashes - big yummy yummy.!! - my Dylusions stamps, primed canvas, scans of previous journal pages, trims, new downloads ( ha ha you'll have to look real close for those ), tags, pockets, flaps and my beloved sewing machine. Heres the result so far.



The cover, a scanned page enhanced


Pockets and Pull outs


Doodling galore


Hidden quotes


Things to pull out and things to pop in


Eclectically, quirky touches


Stitched canvas quotes


Dylusions stamped images




More scanned pages, this one sewn in


ooooh space to journal...


The back cover. Yup it's me, lol.


If you fancy learning how to make a similar canvas journal we still have a few spaces left on the workshop on Sat 5th March. Info HERE

You may notice the stitched words on my back cover..... "Empowered girl"....

Well I can assure you that it is purely wishful thinking and something I am determined to work on. I know many of you see me as this strong women who just brushes things off on her way through the quagmire of life. At the moment nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes relationships, wether romantic or purely platonic can slowly drain you. I feel as though I have been completely drained....of life, of laughter, of confidence, of trust, of frienship, of love, of personality, of opinions, of respect, of the ability to be ME...!!It happened very, very gradually and then quickly gained speed as the momentum built. I feel as though all positive feelings have been stripped away, leaving me only with self doubt, mistrust and a great sadness.
At the moment numbness is protecting me slightly, but I am hoping that when it wears off my survival instincts will kick in allowing the old me to re-emerge. The me who has fought so hard to be independant, who has fought so hard to protect myself, who has fought so hard to own my own feelings, who has fought so hard to battle the demons that have haunted me all these years, who fought so hard to have my opinions heard. Fought so hard for freedom, freedom to be ME.
I have spent far too long supressing my feelings and emotions and I had just got to the point were I believed that my inner child had as much right to be heard as everyone when -bang- how easily I slipped back under. But I am determined that all my hard work is not going to waste. I may have slipped back a bit, but had the foresight to realise which way I was slipping and bailed out just in the nick of time.
I am extremely empty and in pain, but I am also determined never to go there again.
This year is going to be the "year of Me"...I know it sounds selfish, but no-ones going to do it for me. And if I don't feel I'm worth the time and effort, damn sure no bugger else is.
So I am working on a little project to guide and protect my inner child, to rebuild my self esteem, to repair my fragility and to kick my arse back into gear.

                                              


I'll let you know how I get on...

I did get a lovely boost over the weekend, when I was told I was one of the most positiv e and forward moving people they knew. That I never dwelt on the past. My attitude is it's done, you can,t change it so move on. I don't do regrets, I don't dwell, I just try to utilise the lessons learnt.

I like that and I like being thought of in that way. Mistakes are just blips in our everyday life, shaping the way we go forward. And I view it like a game of snakes and ladders. I might slide down a few snakes, or even lots of snakes, but I don't sit at the bottom of their pit waiting for them to strike. I am off, strapping my trainers on and running like buggery to the bottom of the ladder. The quicker you can get on that first rung the nearer you are to the next. One rung or step at a time.

Life is too short to be anything but happy,
So kiss slowly, love deeply, forgive quickly.
Take chances, never have regrets.
Forget the past, but remember what it taught you...
 
Well, at least I got all that off my chest. Sorry if it was long winded but it ain't half made me feel frikkin tons better, lol. And its a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy and tons healthier than vodka and chocolate.... Plus you can always get your own back and leave me an account of your troubles in the comments box. I can't give you any advice or answers, its not my place or intention, but I can give you an ear, a shoulder or even an ample bosom, for you to get it out.!!!!

On a cheerier note pop on over to Dans BLOG and see what hes been up to with my Dylusions border stamps. You will likey..!

Enjoy xx

24 comments:

Clare H said...

Its good to get away and get a new perspective on things. Thats why I did what I did in your circle journal. You taught me that and I am ever grateful for it and the time I spend at your studio.

Clare

Kirsti said...

Wow!!! Nuff said...xx

Sally Lynn MacDonald said...

Love everything about your post. I feel like you've been gathered up, but you're like a great big spring that is ready to get jumping forward again. Can't wait to see what you do this year.

Hels Sheridan said...

Taking that step back and then having the guts to make a decision is tough... which means that you ARE strong... and I hope that you get your real ME back real soon hun... BTW ... LOVE your journal... one day I want to make one like that :O)) x

Miss Marple said...

Just want to say, that I think you rock! The things you do, the things you write are so appealing to me. Would it be OK for you if I would use the little quote about life for a page? And yeah, when my innerchild grows up it would like to be as free as you!
Have a good start in the new week! - Irma

Sam said...

It's good you had a place to escape to, surrounded with wonderful people. You have a positive outlook and I'm sure this will be your year! The ladies of our crop were talking on Saturday about similar things, like being bogged down with other peoples problems, feeling obligated to put everyone else first while neglecting your own needs and we decided that this year is the year of the 'selfish b**ch'! I think it needs to be added to the chinese new year list of animals!!
Your journal pages are fab!x

Lisa said...

For what it's worth, I find your blog and your work empowering and inspirations as well as aspirational. Keep moving forward and the past will get further away.....

Sarah said...

So sorry to read that you are going through a tough patch, sounds like you've been deeply hurt.

Also sounds like you have EXACTLY the right attitude to get back on track.

Good for you!

and that canvas journal is GORGEOUS

Red said...

Babes,

You are one hell of an empowered woman. Sometimes I seriously think I need to make you some new magic glasses, just so you can see (even if it's only for the briefest of moments) how you impact the rest of our worlds. Your star will always shine bright in my heart sister.

I was feeling more than a little drained, windswept and out of kilter for most of the weekend (Yeah I know you picked up on that lol). But the beauty of our times together, is that it's so unbelievably ok to turn up late, to turn up ever so slightly unhinged and to turn up and talk openly about the stuff that feels sad, to turn up and be tearful, to turn and just be who the hell we need to be for that moment in time.

And for this I thank you, and all the Fallen Angels, not only our merry band of strong women, but for each and every fallen angel who walks this wonderful & wild planet. Womanhood gives so much to the world, we are the very essence of life, the very spirit of survival, we are the harmony of hearts and we are clarity of our families conscience . . . We are the bedrock of foundation on which all creation blossoms . . . And I am glad that you are part of my bedrock.

Hugs n love always
Me x x x x

Lynda Howells said...

Are you sure you are not ME really Dylan? I know we have never met but l could have written that. Everyone sees me as strong, capable and so one. The only one who really knows me, after 38 yrs of marriage is my husband, and it took him a long time to see the real me.I have spent most of my childhood and "grown"u life suffering from these feeling. Call it depresstion or what you want but it is destroying! Been there and got the t-shirt as they say. My "demons" have gone( after the last 5 months..long story) and l for the first time in a VERY long time l am ME Lynda. There is a saying which l now feel fits me ..I fit my skin. If there is ANYWAY l can help, please ask. I know l am a stranger to you but having been part of your blog for so long l feel l know youx
Hope l have not intruded to much but l just wanted to say...you are very brave to open up like this but it is an amazing start gir..go for itxxlynda

Faerielore said...

Hey babe, sounds like you had an amazing and much needed girlie weekend, it sounded awesome where do i sign up hahahaha

sorry to hear things have been crap but sounds like your getting back on track, cant wait to see where life leads you this year hun, take care laura xxxx

wortley girl said...

You're a wonderful, inspirational woman and you've already taught me such a lot about being my own person for which I'm truly grateful. Don't let the buggers drag you down and put yourself first for a change,
Jane

Lynda Howells said...

Are you sure you are not ME really Dylan? I know we have never met but
l could have written that. Everyone sees me as strong, capable and so
one. The only one who really knows me, after 38 yrs of marriage is my
husband, and it took him a long time to see the real me.I have spent
most of my childhood and "grown"u life suffering from these feeling.
Call it depresstion or what you want but it is destroying! Been there
and got the t-shirt as they say. My "demons" have gone( after the last
5 months..long story) and l for the first time in a VERY long time l am
ME Lynda. There is a saying which l now feel fits me ..I fit my skin.
If there is ANYWAY l can help, please ask. I know l am a stranger to
you but having been part of your blog for so long l feel l know youx
Hope l have not intruded to much but l just wanted to say...you are
very brave to open up like this but it is an amazing start gir..go for
itxxlynda

buffalogirl said...

Go Girl, GO!!!!!!

Kirsten Alicia said...

Woo Hoo!!!! You go girl!! Glad you had such a wonderful time. Your journal is awesome & awe-ispiring. xx

Angela Weimer said...

Sounds like a wonderful getaway. Loved the quote. Makes me think about things going on lately. Sorry I have not been able to get around in quite awhile but I cannot drive until I pass my driving test next month. Go figure. Ive been driving over 25 years and I have to retake my driving to drive over here after a year even though my US liscense is still valid. I just have to go with it. Hope I pass then I will be by. Have a good one. Angela

thekathrynwheel said...

Sounds like you had a much needed time with the girls. You know what they say ... the only way is up .... or onwards and upwards.....
Hope to see you on Sunday :-)
And BTW the canvas journals are fabUlous and I know 'cos I've seen them IRL!

Hands to Work, Hearts to God said...

Great that I found your blog today- I've been feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick, in bed with a bad cough, and lots of other weaknesses. I love your journal. Wish I could get up and make something so I can feel better. Will content myself with a tour around your blog.
Patsy from
HeARTworks

Kellys Art Journaling/ Sharing The Journey said...

Fabulous ~ these pages are wonderful! They all look amazing!

Kaz said...

Good grief I could have written all that 'getting it off you chest' stuff so I shall send you a big hug as, although the details may be a bit different, I can so totally relate to what you are going through. I've just done a journal page about it myself funnily enough and it felt good. I'm a bit ahead of you though as i have got back to being me, so I hope you get here soon.

By the way, loving the journal xx

jeanie g said...

Wow!! I thought you were looking into my head, my heart and my soul when I read that post!! Nuff said. I am working thro' my demons too so we can stride fwd in our docs together this year. I WILL make a journal like yours. Not as good but deffo mine.!! My one regret my artistic journey didn't start 40 uears ago!!!

Linda64 said...

So much inspiration... thank you for sharing this canvas journal. The pictures, the story.
Big Hugs
Linda

Kristin said...

It's always nice to get away, release the stress and let your worries fade away...I think you are well on your way :) Take care of that creative heart you have, we all need you to keep inspiring us :)

Absolutely gorgeous journal!! TFS

susie f said...

Well I'm back from sunning myself and can't wait to catch up with you and show off my white bits....he he!!
Gutted I missed the weekend but as promised I'm gonna come and kidnap your diary and book another weekend in, this time in ink not pencil!! Lol!
We all lose sight sometimes of who we are but our true friends always see us for the person deep inside and will sit quietly giving support wherever and however they can.
Love you muchly
Sexy Susie
xxx
mwah

Quote of the Century


"You are an extraordinary woman.


How can you expect anything ordinary to happen to you"


Louisa May Alcott