I was in the presence of some formidable women aged 22 - 50, each one extremely dear to me and with an important presence in my life. Each of us going through the ever increasing shit of everyday life, but each there to offer help and support. We don't aim to solve or change anyones problems but just to offer a shoulder or an ample bosom, and by heck there were a fair few of them to choose from.!!! We come together communally whenever we want but we also have the luxury of stepping back for solitary time, if required, no questions asked. Priceless....
I had made evryone a canvas journal and it was only when I handed them over that I realised I hadn't made one for me, lol. Well I felt extremely left out so I whipped one up. It will serve a dual purpose as it will be another sample for CHA. I used Rangers new and improved colourwashes - big yummy yummy.!! - my Dylusions stamps, primed canvas, scans of previous journal pages, trims, new downloads ( ha ha you'll have to look real close for those ), tags, pockets, flaps and my beloved sewing machine. Heres the result so far.
The cover, a scanned page enhanced
Pockets and Pull outs
Things to pull out and things to pop in
Eclectically, quirky touches
Stitched canvas quotes
Dylusions stamped images
More scanned pages, this one sewn in
ooooh space to journal...
The back cover. Yup it's me, lol.
If you fancy learning how to make a similar canvas journal we still have a few spaces left on the workshop on Sat 5th March. Info HERE
You may notice the stitched words on my back cover..... "Empowered girl"....
Well I can assure you that it is purely wishful thinking and something I am determined to work on. I know many of you see me as this strong women who just brushes things off on her way through the quagmire of life. At the moment nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes relationships, wether romantic or purely platonic can slowly drain you. I feel as though I have been completely drained....of life, of laughter, of confidence, of trust, of frienship, of love, of personality, of opinions, of respect, of the ability to be ME...!!It happened very, very gradually and then quickly gained speed as the momentum built. I feel as though all positive feelings have been stripped away, leaving me only with self doubt, mistrust and a great sadness.
At the moment numbness is protecting me slightly, but I am hoping that when it wears off my survival instincts will kick in allowing the old me to re-emerge. The me who has fought so hard to be independant, who has fought so hard to protect myself, who has fought so hard to own my own feelings, who has fought so hard to battle the demons that have haunted me all these years, who fought so hard to have my opinions heard. Fought so hard for freedom, freedom to be ME.
I have spent far too long supressing my feelings and emotions and I had just got to the point were I believed that my inner child had as much right to be heard as everyone when -bang- how easily I slipped back under. But I am determined that all my hard work is not going to waste. I may have slipped back a bit, but had the foresight to realise which way I was slipping and bailed out just in the nick of time.
I am extremely empty and in pain, but I am also determined never to go there again.
This year is going to be the "year of Me"...I know it sounds selfish, but no-ones going to do it for me. And if I don't feel I'm worth the time and effort, damn sure no bugger else is.
So I am working on a little project to guide and protect my inner child, to rebuild my self esteem, to repair my fragility and to kick my arse back into gear.
I'll let you know how I get on...
I did get a lovely boost over the weekend, when I was told I was one of the most positiv e and forward moving people they knew. That I never dwelt on the past. My attitude is it's done, you can,t change it so move on. I don't do regrets, I don't dwell, I just try to utilise the lessons learnt.
I like that and I like being thought of in that way. Mistakes are just blips in our everyday life, shaping the way we go forward. And I view it like a game of snakes and ladders. I might slide down a few snakes, or even lots of snakes, but I don't sit at the bottom of their pit waiting for them to strike. I am off, strapping my trainers on and running like buggery to the bottom of the ladder. The quicker you can get on that first rung the nearer you are to the next. One rung or step at a time.
Life is too short to be anything but happy,So kiss slowly, love deeply, forgive quickly.
Take chances, never have regrets.
Forget the past, but remember what it taught you...
Well, at least I got all that off my chest. Sorry if it was long winded but it ain't half made me feel frikkin tons better, lol. And its a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy and tons healthier than vodka and chocolate.... Plus you can always get your own back and leave me an account of your troubles in the comments box. I can't give you any advice or answers, its not my place or intention, but I can give you an ear, a shoulder or even an ample bosom, for you to get it out.!!!!
On a cheerier note pop on over to Dans BLOG and see what hes been up to with my Dylusions border stamps. You will likey..!