Exactly a year ago at this time of night, I was sat by the side of my Mum's hospital bed. I had returned from the trade show to find her condition worsened. After hours of trying I finally tracked down her consultant, who for 4 weeks had been telling us that she had nothing wrong with her and she was taking up a bed. I listened carefully as he explained that she actually had terminal lung and bone cancer and had only 6 weeks left to live. What do you say to that..?? How do you react.?? Do you scream, do you cry, do you smack him one..?? Or do you go back up to give the news to your siblings and then your Mum..?? They took it really badly, she took it in her stride, saying she knew all along and now she could go in peace.
Whilst sat at home later in the evening I got the sudden urge to go back. As I entered the quiet ward she turned and gave me the most beautiful smile and was so pleased to see me. I thought my heart would break as it was something I had spent years longing for. She was very distressed and the nurses were wonderful, trying to make her as comfortable as possible. I held her hand and stroked her hair and tried to get her to drink or eat something. she wouldnt and when I said she needed to keep her strength up to fight, she turned to me and said " I don,t want to fight anymore , I need to go". She wanted me to stay, as she was frightened and I did until about 3 in the morning when the nurses persuaded me to go and get some sleep and come back in the morn to start arranging a move to the hospice. As I got to the car, I turned and started to go back in but felt foolish and so went home. She went into a deep sleep and died that afternoon without coming round again.
For the whole year I have severly regretted not swallowing my pride and going back and I have punished myself daily for not staying with her. But on the eve of her anniversary I now realise that it can,t go on and I need to make my peace with myself. I dont know what made me go back that night, but I am so grateful for those hours we shared, just Mother and Daughter. I will always treasure that beautiful smile she gave me and the love , that I so craved, that was conveyed in it. I didnt get to spend a great deal of time with her along the years and I feel that was our special time. It doesn't matter how long I was there, just that I was. I have come so far along my journey and faced things I couldn,t when my parents were alive and I know they know I always loved them no matter what I said or did to show otherwise. And I also now know that a "difficult" relationship doesn,t mean I wasn't loved, it was just harder to realise.
As we come to the end of the first year of my new life and understanding of my nature, my personality and my make up. I am proud that a lot of it comes from my Mum. She wasn,t handed an easy life, but she gritted her teeth and got on with it, always putting others first. She would do anything for anyone, expect for me it seemed. Now I realise I blocked her all the way, raising my defences and proving I didn,t need anyone. I was very troubled and didn,t know how to explain. If she knew she would have fought tooth and nail I am sure. So here I am, moving on, finding a new life, a new me. Realising that I am not a bad daughter, wife, mother or friend. I am a survivor, and I am on my way to being proud of who I am and what shaped me this way. I hope tomorrow signals the next step in my journey. I know I loved her, I know she knew that. I know she loved me, she knew I knew that. Sometimes it can take the end of one life and the beginning of another to realise that love is unconditional. Theres nothing more to say
.
"I know you believe in all of my dreams, and I owe it all to you"
Night night God bless Mum xx
28 comments:
Yes Dy you were right - Tears, snot and dribble - lost my gorgeous mum 6 years ago this Easter and its still like yesterday - big hugs xxx
Chris x
Such a moving post. Just one step at a time no matter how big or small and over time we come to understand and accept. May your journey continue in the right direction without too many twists and turns.
Luv Dee xxx
I don't know where to start Dy...Anniversaries like this are so hard and it's also hard to let go of regrets and not mourn the what if's and the things unsaid. Carry on moving forward and forgiving the past - your Mum would be the first to tell you that, I'm sure. You're doing good. Lots of love. xx
**slumps**
sniff sniff
I love reading your blog and have never commented until now. Your post brought a lump to my throat. Thank you for being so honest and for sharing it with us. Your words hold such feeling but also hold words of advice, which I am sure many of us can take on board -
I hope you slept well after the pouring of your heart! Many thanks, Suz x
Love and hugs x
You were right I'm blubbing in my tea as it's such a emotional post and you are so strong. Thinking of you and I hope when it finally happens to me I can be like you and see the way forward. Take care.
Not good with words Dyan...so just to say stay strong and you are doing great...take care...love Kirsti xoxo
yes got the lot - tears, snot and dribble. sending (((huge hugs))) for this day and many others xx Janet
Your journey has come a very long way Dy in just a year, and I admire you so much for having the courage to do it in such a public manner.
You are such a trail blazer across the treacherous terrain of emotions, yet you share so honestly, openly, that the vulnerable you steps to the front and we all stand their open mouthed in awe, nodding our heads in agreement and wiping the tears away from our eyes. You say out loud what some of us are afraid to admit, you say out loud stuff that shocks us, makes us laugh, makes us cry. You say out loud stuff that tugs on the heartstrings and makes us think about stuff that we would rather not think about! You make us want to be you. You make us NOT want to be you!
I have no doubt that you will come through these next few days even more polished, your hurts and regrets being chipped off one by one.
You are an incredibly strong person, even if no doubt at times you feel weak and vulnerable.
I want to thank you for sharing your journey, cos while it's helping you to get it out there, it's helping us too.
I salute you!
Love Jane xx
Great post. Life's not an easy journey, huh?
x
Good Morning Hun
Well that was certainly a heart wrenching, from the depths of your soul post. I'm sat here blubbing and it 9.06am - which means Claudine will be in the studio and you'll have your black nail polish on and the make up and will be the most amazing divine hostess as always, but inside and in the back of your mind your hurt will resonate for the whole day, it is so desperately hard to let go and forgive everything, your childhood your parents, your Mum, your tearaway younger self, but how amazing to have shared those precious moments, you were still fighting for your Mum when all around doubted her - that she will know, you weren't willing to accept the professionals in this but wanted to search and find them out, you were given the duty of relaying the information to siblings and to your Mum which must have been the hardest thing, but if you think about it your news gave your Mum relief, relief that what she said was right was right and the acceptance that she could finally begin the final stages of this life before stepping through and beginning a new life on the other side. It's there hun I know it, she'll be sat right by you today, she'll relay what she needs maybe in something someone says, or you'll feel her close, you might smell flowers when there are none around, watch for the signs they will surely be there. Relax into the fact that you've come so far in such a short space of time, you've finally accepted that you are who you are and we all absolutely adore you for it - why? you may ask because you give each and everyone of us permission to be us too. For those people who don't 'get us' we're learning that they aren't worth dealing with filling our days with amazing people that is what life is about, it's being the comic and the joker, it's being the mother and the friend, it's being the daugter and the comrade, it's stretching out and letting others in! I am sending you the biggest blessing and love that I possibly can today sweetie.
Carpe Diem
Virginia (Little Miss War and Peace)
wow... thats all I can say. Ciao
I can only endorse wholeheartedly what Janey B and Virginia said. I am not eloquent enough to say anything more.
I totally understand how you feel - as I, like thousands no doubt, didn't have the story book childhood.
Even in the Autumn of our lives, things that coloured our lives still come back to hurt us, but the pain dulls with age and time - still hurts but doesn't cripple as it once did. And so we learn to get up, feeling bruised, but able to make it through another day.
xxx
This really spoke to me on so many levels.Thinking of you x
Dyan, You are an amazingling strong person and I am sure you being there with her that time was what she needed to be at peace. Your post brought me back to when my Mom died from Ovarian cancer it will be 4 years this coming easter. I did not see her as much as I should have with the store and my daughters schedule and as there were some things that needed sorting but I loved her and I realize that more than ever now with the move, how she would have been the first one to come visit us. ( tears starting need tissues). I think about the last time my daughter got to spend with her on that Good friday for some reason I made us all take off and go see her. She seemed great like she was getting better but that Easter Sunday I got the call and we went to the hospital. I was in the room when she started to go and it is a memory and nightmare I can never forget. But then once I hurried and got my siblings and family while the nurses cleaned her up quickly, Once the family was there she then looked at me then up above our heads smiled and was gone. I am glad my siblings did not have to see what I did and have to bear those memories . They will always remember the peaceful part. Sometimes I think it was my punishment for not always being there more during her short illness or maybe it was because I always had to be the strong one for the family as the rest of them fell apart. Someone needs a level head at those times. To this day I still do not talk or think much about it until reading your post. I love reading your posts. You have a gift. A Gift not only of talent but of something else. You can make people face their memories, thoughts, fears though your writing. Thank you. I wish you a peace and understanding you want and am sure your Mum is so proud of who you are, have become and will be. thanks for your post today and the tears that have been long waiting to flow. Angela
Dy darling my heart goes to you, im sitting here at my desk at work blubbing hehehe i bet your mum would be so proud of the women you have become xxxx
I had a similar experience, thank you for sharing, sometimes it is hard to let go of regret.
Thinking of you, I too am not good with words so sending lots of love and hugs
Steph xx
You did go back, at the time that mattered the most. What a wonderful testimony. My mother and I were not especially close, and then the last year of her life (however I did not know that at the time), we seemed to bond and spent a lot of time together. Then she became ill and died 2 weeks later--she was only 46 & I was 22. I often use photos of her in my projects, keeping her close. Perhaps, like you, I have grown as a result of all of it. I for sure, no longer think that she did not love me--or care.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Oh Dy you bugger. Snot, tears, blubbering and Andy looking at me as if to say WTF!!! My thoughts are with you today and every other day.
Emma xx
You are so strong. I have read your blog every day for the past month (I have been off work sick) and you always INSPIRE me. Whatever life throws at you, you seem to throw it off and carry on while others languish in a sea of despair. All I can say is treasure those precious moments and continue to rise above the rest of the shit that life puts in our way. Continue on your journey... you're doing good girl! (and yes I did cry - lol).
Ah Dyan, I'm getting through the Kleenex here lovie. I can't add to anything that's been said and even if I could I wouldn't be as eloquent as the other lovely ladies. You be kind to yourself sweetie and take comfort in knowing that she'll always be with you in spirit. Lots of love to you and your family. xxx
Thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts with us Dyan. Take care and see you soon. Luv, Alison from Bradford, x
Seems we all have too many of the anniversaries in our lives. While I miss my family memebrs and friends, I am so lucky to have had them...good and bad! I understand your pain and elf-doubt, but admire your decision to move on. Much luck to you!
A very heartfelt and moving post Dyan. x
Thinking of you....x
You did give fair warning but it didn't prepare me. I admire your ability to share with the world. I've been stalking your blog since last summer and you're always so upbeat and open. This has shown a whole new side of you to me. Thank you for being open! **hugs**
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