Sunday, August 7, 2016

Part 896



So... Onto the next instalment of "Dyans travels, couldn't frikkin make it up if you tried"!!
After a really long and arduous 7 week tour, working my butt off with very little sleep, I finally boarded the first of three planes to take me home. There I am sat in my comfy plane seat, happy as Larry, humming Tom Jones, green green grass and dreaming of my own bed, when I notice we seem to have been circling for a very long time! 
Sure enough, the pilot announces that the airport is under severe weather conditions and we would have to default to another airport to refuel. No problem, I still had 6 hrs till my next flight. Cue cock jockeys and up their own arse woman showing themselves up, by being completely rude to staff and agents because they might miss their flight, God forbid!
After an hour on the runway, we were deplaned into the gate. Eventually the crew ran out of flying hours and waved us merrily goodbye. Still lots of stamping of feet and strutting of chests from self important twatwaffles, who only calmed down when the police were called in!! Seriously guys, you got nowhere and embarrassed yourselves. I still had 3 hrs to go, staying calm. Then came the announcement "sorry no new crew, flight is cancelled". All hell broke out in a who can shout and stomp the loudest, which of course always makes the staff more helpful, not!!! 
Luckily that I am trained like a tiger ready to spring at the slightest nod !! Or something like!! I had managed to get myself positioned at number 3 in the line for the help desk and only had to wait approx 8 hrs to be seen, fending off twunts with my Executive Platinum shield of knob head protection. Cue to agent saying if you're quick you can catch a glider, which only visits 12 outlying airfields and we could possibly have you home by Friday. Result!!! Err don't speak to soon, thunder and lightening hit the airport and everything goes down!! Back on the phone to my lovely Ex Plat agent( thank frikk for high status) who is happy to talk to the nice polite English lady as all the other self important sycophants were doing their heads in. So to my result, should get me out of here tomorrow, in the meantime can you collect your 300lbs of baggage, single handed, find yourself a hotel, organise the transport, do not pass go or collect £200. And can you do it quick as the thunder and lightening is directly overhead and we are in danger of being struck!!!!
Finally connect to wifi, find a Marriot, arrange transport, weightlifting 4 70lb bags in one hand, my, pull on and my travel bag in the other, still waving my knob intolerance shield, zigzagging through the lightening strikes and standing in the pissing it down rain for the Magic Marriot shuttle to transport me to Wonderland. We finally get there and I fall through the hallowed gates to complete confusion as lightening had hit and taken down all the systems. 
Yes I can check you in, however you can't actually get in the room as the keys won't work!! No worries I will sit at the bar and have a few beers and wait for normal service to resume. Oh no, don't you know we are dry on a Sunday, no alcohol to be served today lovely lady! After I picked myself up from the crumpled heap I the floor, put on a slightly manically threatening expression a la Baby Jane, flared my nostrils and cried a little, the concierge took pity on me and nipped round to the store and brought me some illicit booze in a brown paper bag.
I got a few looks as the clink of the bottles rather gave me away as the lush I was trying to hide. Small towns and big, tattooed, red headed, beer drinking Sharon Osbourne/Scary Spice lookalikes don't tend to gel well! 
Sat in reception, sweating buckets as the air con was also broken, rocking gently to myself and clutching my brown papered alcohol passed the time for another 30 mins till lo and behold, I was presented with my Willy Wonka chocolate ticket giving me access into my room.
After the polite declining of the offer of a bottle opener lost me even more points of lady likeness, the doors of the lift magically swooshed open and they whisked me away to the dark side of the hotel where I wouldn't bother anyone. I slithered into the room on a stream of sweat and cracking a bottle open with my teeth( only joking Mr Dentist, my teeth are jewels, not tools), stripped off and maniacally fanned myself with the do not disturb sign. I was just starting to relax when there was a knock at the door, dragging a sheet around me and trying to appear composed I opened the door, to be presented with a housekeeper saying, we think you'll need these, before turning and trotting off down the hall. Hoping it was limes for my Coronas, I was aghast to find it was actually toothbrush, toothpaste and some deodorant!! How ruuuuuude!! 
Anyway, the back up plan is now coming together, I hopefully have two flights tomorrow and one on Tues which will get me home late evening, or I see they have some vacancies at Hooters which will tide me over for a few days. I am sat in a cold bath trying to cool down while writing this and my feet have now gone all crinkly, but I am sure I am smelling sweeter, if not, good old front desk will be sure to inform me and send up something to fix it.
I won't be able to sleep in this heat with no air con, so I might just drink myself into a stupor and report back in the morning. I'd say cheers but I might get reported by the dry police and made to watch Trump election policies until I submit, so I'll just bid you a quiet night night.



Enjoy xx

24 comments:

Theresa Zanassi said...

Oh, my dear Dyan!!!! I'm so sorry for the messed up travel, bad weather AND horrible passengers. I sincerely hope that the rest of your journey home is much smoother, and without any unexpected interruptions. Enjoy your rest sweet lady.

Bonnie Klocke said...

Sounds like you are coping in your own way. Love your post and understand your frustrations. Try and stay cool. The weather will change. After all you are in the Carolinas and our weather changes fast. Love ya and safe trip home or jyst come to Mary Ruths and we all will paint.

Caroline D. said...

While your story is quite hilarious on this side of the computer screen, I really wouldn't wish that kind of travel scenario on anybody. Hopefully, the rest of your travels will be much smoother.

Pkozak said...

Holy moly! Heck Dyan, must be true because even a drunk person couldn't make that shit up..... Hugs

Tona said...

Omgosh! What an ordeal you have had to go through. I hope that the rest of your trip goes smoothly.

Jocelyn said...

Im in tears, and not all of them are sad ones for your predicament. It does bring to mind the time I upgraded to first class because I just knew the irritating person walking around asking everyone to buy him a bottle of water would end up next to me. But no, I ended up queen for a day in first class, where men were falling all over themselves for an off duty stewardess, hanging on her every breathless word and hoping she might bend over in her baby doll pajama dress. And let's not forget the guy next to me with the phlegm problem he kept spitting into an empty water bottle, the. entire. flight. from. Chicago. to. Seattle.

C. Watson said...

I'm sorry but I had a little chuckle........🍀🍀🍀.........I think you could use a bit of travel luck!! I hope you get home safely. ❄️⛄️ (Sending you some cool air) 😉

Lynne Smith said...

So sorry for your troubles but the telling of it had me rolling. Safe travels.

Renee said...

I'm hoping today is a much better day! Hugs ~ Renee

GeebaMom said...

Twunts is now my new favorite word, so something good has come of you trouble !

kay(texfolkart) said...

Hahahaha!!!!!! That made my day!!!!! Sorry you had to go thru it.... Well no, actually.....cause it gave me lots of laughs to hear it!!!! But do hope you finally make it home!!!!! Mwah!

Barbara said...

So funny....sorry, hope you are well on your way home by now X

Marilynn said...

I commend you for not running through a plate glass window which I would have or, more realistically, been arrested for making an ugly scene especially when faced with all that luggage and no ac. Here's hoping you don't wake up with a whopper of a hangover to add to your misery.

Joanne said...

Utterly amazing, please consider writing a book then selling the rights to a film company

Laura B said...

I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of that. I hope the rest of your journey home goes smoothly, so that you can finally get some rest. *hugs*

Dee at Rubber Stamp Rendezvous said...

OMG! So so sorry, but thanks for sharing........will make me feel better the next time I get a wee hitch in my travel plans! Your own bed is going to be heaven when you finally get there!

kit cochran said...

Oh my gosh, did I laugh. And boy did I need to. And being who you are, I'm sure you appreciate a good laugh. You just cannot make up a story like this. I cannot imagine what it did to your hair ... well, I could actually �� Hang in there sister, and keep the beer and updates flowing!!!

grandmad1ana said...

Hilariously written, and I much appreciated your comments. I once took a bus and train trip with a friend that took 4 1/2 hours, by car the same journey was 45 minutes.
Sorry you were given ( and not even freely) such a hard time, by all and sundries/sundry.
Took a class from you recently and laughed to myself when you yelled at someone who was not paying attention to your speech, because said person was fiddling around with her paint instead. Hope your next journey is without grief...

Virginia said...

Ah hun - you couldn't make it up if you tried - willing everything to now go very very smoothly so you can get home ASAP!

Diane J said...

Oh My Gosh! You have such a way with words. To you this may not have been fun, but I do chuckle at your antics. Hopefully you have gotten home with another new story to tell. Thanks for sharing! Happy Travels

daisy lou said...

Shouldn't laugh, but I'm crying tears here. Only happen to you Hun.
Hopefully you are well on your way to Blighty now ...Woohoo!!! and you are having as many beers as you want on that plane.
See you soon!!
X❤️X

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Antoinette said...

this was definitely the funniest thing ive read in a long time. I could just picture the dilemma! to be honest I would've downed that brown paper bag bottle faster than you haha!! This was just what I needed today.
Hugs from your South African PUG wearing fan x

Amber K said...

lol twatwaffles! I thought that was something only me and my sister said! Oh you poor thing, I hope it got better the next day!

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