Sunday, August 7, 2016
So... Onto the next instalment of "Dyans travels, couldn't frikkin make it up if you tried"!!
After a really long and arduous 7 week tour, working my butt off with very little sleep, I finally boarded the first of three planes to take me home. There I am sat in my comfy plane seat, happy as Larry, humming Tom Jones, green green grass and dreaming of my own bed, when I notice we seem to have been circling for a very long time!
Sure enough, the pilot announces that the airport is under severe weather conditions and we would have to default to another airport to refuel. No problem, I still had 6 hrs till my next flight. Cue cock jockeys and up their own arse woman showing themselves up, by being completely rude to staff and agents because they might miss their flight, God forbid!
After an hour on the runway, we were deplaned into the gate. Eventually the crew ran out of flying hours and waved us merrily goodbye. Still lots of stamping of feet and strutting of chests from self important twatwaffles, who only calmed down when the police were called in!! Seriously guys, you got nowhere and embarrassed yourselves. I still had 3 hrs to go, staying calm. Then came the announcement "sorry no new crew, flight is cancelled". All hell broke out in a who can shout and stomp the loudest, which of course always makes the staff more helpful, not!!!
Luckily that I am trained like a tiger ready to spring at the slightest nod !! Or something like!! I had managed to get myself positioned at number 3 in the line for the help desk and only had to wait approx 8 hrs to be seen, fending off twunts with my Executive Platinum shield of knob head protection. Cue to agent saying if you're quick you can catch a glider, which only visits 12 outlying airfields and we could possibly have you home by Friday. Result!!! Err don't speak to soon, thunder and lightening hit the airport and everything goes down!! Back on the phone to my lovely Ex Plat agent( thank frikk for high status) who is happy to talk to the nice polite English lady as all the other self important sycophants were doing their heads in. So to my result, should get me out of here tomorrow, in the meantime can you collect your 300lbs of baggage, single handed, find yourself a hotel, organise the transport, do not pass go or collect £200. And can you do it quick as the thunder and lightening is directly overhead and we are in danger of being struck!!!!
Finally connect to wifi, find a Marriot, arrange transport, weightlifting 4 70lb bags in one hand, my, pull on and my travel bag in the other, still waving my knob intolerance shield, zigzagging through the lightening strikes and standing in the pissing it down rain for the Magic Marriot shuttle to transport me to Wonderland. We finally get there and I fall through the hallowed gates to complete confusion as lightening had hit and taken down all the systems.
Yes I can check you in, however you can't actually get in the room as the keys won't work!! No worries I will sit at the bar and have a few beers and wait for normal service to resume. Oh no, don't you know we are dry on a Sunday, no alcohol to be served today lovely lady! After I picked myself up from the crumpled heap I the floor, put on a slightly manically threatening expression a la Baby Jane, flared my nostrils and cried a little, the concierge took pity on me and nipped round to the store and brought me some illicit booze in a brown paper bag.
I got a few looks as the clink of the bottles rather gave me away as the lush I was trying to hide. Small towns and big, tattooed, red headed, beer drinking Sharon Osbourne/Scary Spice lookalikes don't tend to gel well!
Sat in reception, sweating buckets as the air con was also broken, rocking gently to myself and clutching my brown papered alcohol passed the time for another 30 mins till lo and behold, I was presented with my Willy Wonka chocolate ticket giving me access into my room.
After the polite declining of the offer of a bottle opener lost me even more points of lady likeness, the doors of the lift magically swooshed open and they whisked me away to the dark side of the hotel where I wouldn't bother anyone. I slithered into the room on a stream of sweat and cracking a bottle open with my teeth( only joking Mr Dentist, my teeth are jewels, not tools), stripped off and maniacally fanned myself with the do not disturb sign. I was just starting to relax when there was a knock at the door, dragging a sheet around me and trying to appear composed I opened the door, to be presented with a housekeeper saying, we think you'll need these, before turning and trotting off down the hall. Hoping it was limes for my Coronas, I was aghast to find it was actually toothbrush, toothpaste and some deodorant!! How ruuuuuude!!
Anyway, the back up plan is now coming together, I hopefully have two flights tomorrow and one on Tues which will get me home late evening, or I see they have some vacancies at Hooters which will tide me over for a few days. I am sat in a cold bath trying to cool down while writing this and my feet have now gone all crinkly, but I am sure I am smelling sweeter, if not, good old front desk will be sure to inform me and send up something to fix it.
I won't be able to sleep in this heat with no air con, so I might just drink myself into a stupor and report back in the morning. I'd say cheers but I might get reported by the dry police and made to watch Trump election policies until I submit, so I'll just bid you a quiet night night.