Monday, March 22, 2010

Why women go to the toilet in pairs.....

Recieved this email this morning from the lovely Ann, who is recovering from an op. It made me laugh so hard that I nearly peed my pants. You try reading it without laughing.....

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same itme). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.
Enjoy xx


Unknown said...

Love it. So so accurate

Kirsti said...

ROFPMSL...nuff said....xoxo

Valencia said...

So true it had to be written by a woman only we would know why she is such a specialist on the subject .She should get a weeoligy for this piece she has to be a world expert a classic.

ForgedinPaper said...

Love it. Can I add as they are now apparently back in fashion the trauma of a bodysuit flapping around to that little sketch. Cheered up Monday no end.

Lisa said...

I'm crying with laughter. Priceless!

Jill said...

I would only like to add to your very accurate account the trauma of trying to take down your trousers and not let the hems dangle in the rather suspicious puddle on the floor possibly the result of a misjudged hover!!

Helen said...

Made the mistake of reading this at work when I am not meant to be blog hopping.... so very funny.

thekathrynwheel said...

mwa ha ha ha ha ha :-)))

Unknown said...

OMG! That was so funny I cried and lost part of my mascara. I was trying to read it to a friend and could not get through it without breaking up. Those things are true! Thanks for sharing--it made my day!

cockney blonde said...

OMG how true is that...The last time I went into a toilet cubicle with another woman was at a European footie match when the ladies' toilets were mobbed by the drunken, bladder filled blokes. We were immediately given a guard of honour and a free passage to the next vacant cubicle. We went in together for safety, I think, and all of the above mentioned reasons. The best bit was when the blokes outside were banging on the door and swearing and another bloke said 'shush, mind your language, there's ladies in there', lol, x

FauxPainter - Dee Paramour said...

OMG that's hilarious, so so funny. Thanks for messages. I'm fine thanks, dashing about as per. Not quite like you though, lol.

Luv Dee xxx

Sandra Hall said...

Correctamundo! The lady who wrote that deseves a pullitzer!

Anonymous said...

Oh yesssss...... even in the Netherlands!!!

Anonymous said...

So, SO true!!!!!!!!!!

Jennie -The Artistic Stamper said...

PMSL! lol never will be able to go to a public loo again without thinking of this! So when you hear hysterical laughing behind a toilet door , you know it will be me!! and that's cos the toilet seat was up! rofl

Smudgemakes said...

What a hoot - this has really cheered up me up with this wet weather!

Quote of the Century

"You are an extraordinary woman.

How can you expect anything ordinary to happen to you"

Louisa May Alcott