CHANGE......

Well its here again....PREVIEW DAY... And am I ready...????



Am I eckerslike.......!!!!!!



But this time I have an excuse......HONEST.......



I,m still not well...yup you heard, still not well. Don't know what I've had/got, but me no likey..!!

I'm not often unwell and if I am its very short lived as I cant be arsed with it, lol. But cant seem to shake this one off. Maybe total exhaustion has finally caught up with me....!!! And there's been a burglary...someone seems to have walked off with a very large chunk of my concentration..!!! lol Now I have never been known for having much of an attention span but this is ridiculous. I ended up not going away for a couple of days as I had planned and I still cant get anything done. I've turned into even more of a Doris Doolally than I was before..Yes I know that's difficult to believe but trust me its true..!!! So tomorrow we will be previewing with a novelty element. There will be a few works in progress... ha ha . Still, they are all gorgeous as usual and you wont know which to go for. Here's a load of sneakys, and I mean a load....

Phew, see I have been doing something, and if may of slipped your notice that I an actually 2 wks early with this preview....Oh yes indeedy, lol. Thats shocked you hasnt it..?? Anyway usual terms and conditions apply. If you rock up at the studio in person between 11am and 4pm, you get 10% off all new workshops booked and paid for (existing workshops and weekends are not included ). Probably havent got buns, I could get up early and bake you some fresh, but then again maybe I wont.....Anyway , kettle will always be on, so come and see me and The Goddess. The weather is lousy so you,ve nothing better to do, have you..?? lol

I spent yesterday round at Bezzie Su's. As usual there was a lot of snivel and snot (all mine of course..!!) and we ( oh, ok I! ) didnt get a lot done. Anyway in the after noon we both had doctors appointments in different directions. When I got back she was already there crafting away. She started to tell me about her appointment when I started laughing and asked her to stick her tongue out. Just look at the state of this.....

She is addicted to those hard boiled sugar lollies and I had bought her a bag in the morning ( its easier than her nicking mine all the time ). In her wisdom she thought she would have one on the journey there. So she spent the whole time talking to the doctor looking like that. Luckily she doesn,t have anything too wrong with her , just a mild dose of Smurf flu... I really don,t know who,s barmier, me or her, but at least we have a laugh, even if its just at each other.

For all I take the mick out of her, I adore her and love her to bits and unfortunately she seems to have been landed with the position of propping me up..Shes always there when I need her and I can't thank her enough for it, I really don,t know quite what I would have done without her this year. The past year for me has been extremely traumatic, with one major upheaval after another, and the way Mum died was the final nail. Since her death I am not only struggling with not having her around but it seems to have opened up a right Pandoras box inside of me. A lot of it has been deeply hidden inside for 30/40 yrs and now I cant seem to contain it. It just wants to bubble up and out. So the only thing to do is to face it head on. Know thine enemy..!! lol. I have to make light of it , because that,s my way, but I am going through a lot of change in my life at the moment and it is difficult. A lot of it will be for the better, but a lot of it is painful and tempting to run away from. And some of it is just downright bloody horrendous. At times I want to stand in the middle of the car park and scream "F&%k off world, and give me a break" as loud as I can. So don't be startled if you happen to drive in and that's what I,m doing, I am harmless really ... I just seem to have lost all sense of who I really am. I truthfully think that maybe I have never known, I have just waded through life with my party trick of "laugh and the world laughs with you". My mask strapped on tight to not let any one in. To keep me in control of me. Well fat lot of good that did me, you lot have seen nearly every emotion from me in the last few months. So much so that ITV are not renewing Corries contract when it runs out, they are just going to ship the cameras in to my place..!! So to all of those who thought I was an infallible hard faced bitch, I,m just the same as everyone else. Cut me and I bleed, harm me and I hurt, and I have as much shit and insecurity inside me as the next man. But I am a survivor and its time now to confront all my "issues", "problems" and "demons"..Ooooh exciting stuff eh, lmao. Well I thought I,d better let you all know cos it's sure to be a bumpy ride...Don't say you weren't warned....!!! Mind you the doctors have assured everyone in the immediate vicinity and surrounding areas, that I am not a danger to children and pets and as long as my mug is full of decaff tea and fresh cream that I am quite easy to handle. Jokes aside , it is a tough time, and I dont want sympathy or someone to sort me out, thats something I have to work through. I,m just trying to cut myself some slack. Its a very personal journey that I have been in training for, for nearly 40 yrs and I cant put it off any longer. The hardest step is always the first and I,ve done that..

I came across this poem the other day and it just seemed as though it was written especially for me. I was in floods when I had finished reading it, and I think if you are going through a tough time yourself you will identify with it, so grab a tissue and your waterproof mascara and read on. For those of you who it doesnt affect or having a really smooth ride at the moment, good on yeah. Skip the next bit, go count your blessings and keep smiling. ..

CHANGE

This is where I yank the old roots

from my chest, like the tomatoes

we let grow until December, stalks

thick as saplings

This is the moment when the ancient fears

race like thoroughbreds, asking for more

and more rein. And I , the driver,

for some reason they know nothing of,

strain to hold them back.

Terror grips me like a virus

and I sweat, fevered,

trying to burn it out.

This fear is invisible. All you can see

is a woman going about her ordinary day,

drinking tea, taking herself to the movies,

reading in bed. If victorious

I will look exactly the same.

Yet I am hoisting a car from mud ruts

half a century deep. I am hacking

a clearing through the fallen slash

of my heart.Without laser precision,

with only the primitive knife of need, I cut

and splice the circuitry of my brain.

I CHANGE.

And remember "only God can judge us" xx