Thursday, September 5, 2013

Pondering and remembering....

Amidst all the chaos that is my life I found the time to pop round to Bezzie Su's for a cuppa and a grouch. Somehow we got to talking about old journal pages and it got me thinking.

I fell into art journaling by accident, in fact I never knew I was an art journaler till the label stuck lol. I just pratted around, playing with paints and inks and generally having a blast. Adding magazine images here and a few words there.

And then my world fell apart.

After losing my Dad 13 yrs ago I lost my Mum very unexpectedly 4yrs ago. One day she was there, the next she was gone leaving me with a gaping hole where my heart should have been. I nearly fell apart and the only thing that kept me going was my journals. Simple and raw, full of emotion and torment. I had never been one for getting things out but By God I soon learnt. It was like opening the floodgates. Words just poured from my heart and my very inner core and they didn't seem to have an end.

But, oh the relief that came after page and page of, nothing really, just me. My art journaling today is nothing like it was back then and funnily enough I miss it. I journaled for me, no one else. I didn't care what I wrote, what it looked like, whether it was any good or not. I just did it...and I miss that.

My life is so different now, so busy, so chaotic, so demanding and so fun, and I wouldn't change it for anything, but I miss the old me as well.

This blog post from 2009 explains a lot of my journey.

I blogged frequently, with a passion, from the heart, forgetting that people would read it and might judge me, lol. There wasn't really that many people reading it so I wasn't too bothered. I am not sure if I could be as open now as I was then.

But my blog became a record, a journal of my journey and it helped me to see how I had changed, how far I had come in facing my issues and it helped me to see that I wasn't alone.

I'm an odd one
I have ADHD
I have rapid cycling bi-polar
I am extremely strong minded
I have a very low attention span
I have OCD
I have put on 60 lbs
I have impostor syndrome
I can be a hermit
I can be manic
I have self esteem issues
I am full on
I have a very addictive type personality
I'm too independent
I am a recovering bulimic
I am a survivor, 
I AM ME!!!

5 yrs ago no one would have known any of this, no one scratched beneath the surface, and to be honest I would have been mortified if you had known just one of these things about me.

But now loads of you know most of them. They emerged through my journaling, my blogging, my growing, my becoming me.

Has it damaged me??? Has it heck. I feel more at peace with myself than ever. I am full of flaws, as are so many of you and we need to celebrate our individuality and our uniqueness instead of hiding it.

One of my favourite quotes to describe this metamorphosis is by Anais Nin

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

Looking back over my blog, there is plenty of art, records of teaching, where I am , where I have been, but I have realised there is not a lot of ME anymore. I miss that. I miss looking back, so maybe it's time to get back to the heart of me now and again lol.

Here's some of those very early pages for you to see.















So do I press publish or delete...??

Enjoy xx

60 comments:

borgqueen said...

<3
So glad you pressed publish.
So grateful for you being open on your journey and the ripple effect it has had.
So grateful for you and the permission you have given through your pain.
Stay true to you xXx

ajsartjournal said...

Wow, what a great blog post, I've been lurking around here for ages but rarely leave a comment. I'm glad you published this. It's from the heart just like your art. Thank you! You are an inspiration :-) Big love from me :-)

Caroline D. said...

Oh I am so glad you hit 'publish'! I'm sure it was hard to press the button, but I hope it felt good. :) I am sorry about the sudden loss of your mom and I do know how that shatters your world. It's different when your mom dies. My dad died first after a long illness... and then I lost my mom unexpectedly and very suddenly and at too young of an age for both of us... in 1998. We were best friends. It's been 15 years on this very date today and there is not a single day that goes by that I do not think of her. Our moms would want us to be happy and to go about life... I do know that now, but it took a while to accept. It's different when your mom dies for sure. I for one am very glad your journey has sent you to share your talent and enthusiasm for what you do with us all. Thanks for sharing all you do! Loved seeing all your 'older' pages. Maybe you should start a new journal just for you and keep it for just you and enjoy that. Not a thing wrong with wanting to create for you... we all feel that way at some point. :)

thecraftshouse said...

Publish..Publish..Publish
great post
Always loved your honesty
Sandra

Kaz said...

So glad you pushed that button
True story...... Art right there from the heart
Love

Kaz x

Pauline Adamson said...

So glad you published, tears in my eyes for my pain and your bravery, what silly people we are, our own masters of destruction until one day, some days, we blossom, create, laugh, enjoy and sometimes even relax. Xxxx

Laura B said...

Thank you for sharing. I have trouble letting myself go with my journaling, because I worry about letting people see the real me. Big hugs!

Tracy Abson said...

You made me cry - thank you for publishing this!!! and thank you for being honest - its one of the things I love about you so much. And its not easy. I read your words and I couldn't help but think of my journey since I have had the privilege of crossing yoru path and how both you and journaling has helped me. I have noticed the change in you over the last couple of years and I sincerely hope you do more journaling for you and not anyone else. xx

Anita Houston said...

Publish of course! The reason why I love you is because you are so honest, and not just because you are a fabulous artist!!!

Gerrina said...

Glad you pressed publish! Everybody has a path to go and you took a path in the open, but still you are you and it is good to sometimes let you go first and others second... The base is just you...
Inky greetings, Gerrina

Sue said...

Think I knew a couple of them secrets missy. I adore the new Dyan, the freedom you have given yourself to be just you is such a amazing thing to witness, but I do miss TG just a tad. Would love to see that kick ass artist back every now and again.

Ann said...

As ever, so proud of you and privileged to have shared some of your journey. Axx

Sharon Y said...

Thank You for hitting publish. So appreciate you sharing you. This post came on a tough afternoon for me. It made my day! Thank You. You are an inspiration.

Missusg said...

i am so glad you pressed publish!!
you are you and YOU are who i have followed and loved for a very long time!!

Lizzette said...

Dyan, thanks for sharing your heart and the pain, and for being real. It's so refreshing!!!
Much love and respect,
Lizzette

Lizzette said...

Dyan, thanks for sharing your heart and for being real. It's so refreshing!!!
Much love and respect,
Lizzette

grandmad1ana said...

Also glad that you published! Who knows who you could have helped by laying your soul bare. That's a statement , not a question. Good on you.

Mabelle said...

Hi Dyan. Thanks for being open and deciding to publish. Love your art. You make everything look so easy and fun. Thanks again for coming to Texas. I always look forward to reading what you're up to.

ESS said...

You empowered me a couple of years ago and you are my hero. Your raw honesty is refreshing in today's plastic world. Love you, Michelle

Potatoejam said...

I think you are so totally awesome and I wouldn't change you at all

Midge Simmons said...

So glad you hit publish. Needing the same outlet here on some days. I can't wait for you to inspire me in October again! Congratulations on your discovery of you. Just think of how many lives you have touched through this art form!

Annette said...

Well that was such a touching post, I didn't know anything about you as I have only just found you. I now feel inspired to put what I want in my journal, what a great way to release thing I had not thought of it that way. I was thinking more along the art way. Hopefully all my new goodies will arrive today and I can start may big adventure in the journaling world. I feel so glad I met you and so please you shared this with us.
Sandra x

barbarayaya62 said...

Post!!!! You do not have anywhere near as the idea of ​​how I find myself in your words! Much I admire you as an artistand honestly, even as a person, I feel you close to me! I also have a lot of doubts and BIG self-esteem issues! I'll be really happy to meet in Rome on November 10th!! BArbarayaya

joy said...

Glad you published. Good for you to release. But per chance you will reach someone in pain who will feel a connection. Very brave Dyan. Continue healing. TFS.

isisimaginings.com said...

You are wonderful.

artwolf2009 said...

thanks for the encouragement to stay honest with ourselves and thanks for letting us know what you have written

Jennie -The Artistic Stamper said...

Dyan, so very glad you published, and part of the healing process ( which never stops, believe me!) is being open and honest, and I for one, do miss those "me" pages of yours... maybe you should open a new journal and journal just for you? You teach us to do it....
xxx

☥ Kaia said...

Wow.
Great juournaling pages... A few of them could have been me, and my "issues".
Thank you for sharing..

Hugs, Kaia

Sue said...

What a wonderful testament to how far you've come. Your journal pages speak volumes about where you were and what you were feeling. So glad you decided to "publish!" Sending mondo hugs from across the pond.

corinna said...

thank you

texasbarb said...

Dyan, I heard long ago that a true friend will love you...warts and all. You don't really know my but I want you to know that I love you...warts and all.

It had to be hard to hit send after writing this post. I don't know if I'd have the same courage.

As others have said...keep a journal just for YOU. You don't have to show it to anyone. I think I'm going to start one just for ME...my thoughts, my frustrations, my warts...no one has to see it but me. Thank you for being YOU!!!

Lynda Beazley said...

Ooh Dyan good on you for working through all of the crap stuff. My daughter died 7 years ago, there one day and just gone the next. I was reduced to a child again and a pretty poor functioning one at that! I created some powerful stuff too. We are still standing ... Don't know how but keep going girl!
Hugs Lynda B http://beazleyart.blogspot.co.uk/

M!R said...

So glad you pushed publish! That's the way any scrap post should be! An artist should be a mirror of human feelings: thank you for being my mirror with this post!
Can't wait to see you in rome...
Mir

Laure Janus ~ Little Joys Studio said...

Oh Dyan, I'm SO glad you hit PUBLISH, because this is YOU. And I'm so glad I had the privilege to meet YOU, not some tight assed quiet little thing wearing a mask of "normal", whatever the heck that is. Your story is yours alone, but we all have our own stories, and you help people see that and give permission to be themselves. I hope I get another chance to take classes with you, but if I don't, I will always remember a magical and creative weekend in Moline, IL and I'll always be grateful for you and your generous spirit. Love and Blessings!

Wanda H said...

So very glad you hit published!! I loved reading this!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monica said...

Dyan, You DO express yourself in other media ALL the time. You post all those quotes on FB all the time. I think this is why you write less down. AND you use the quotes as catharsis like you used those journal entrees. By expressing your angst you moved on. Like the Anis Nin quote you have blossomed overcome the obstacles you face at that time. Perhaps today's fears an misunderstandings feel and are less profound than all those years ago. We constantly seek for answers and changes at certain stages of our lives. The intensity is often less.

37b40ddc-2bde-11e2-a909-000bcdca4d7a said...

love this post! it's REAL! right now my art is what i call "rage art". i'm in a dark place in life. my past art what cutsey/whimsical. i was published internationally and taught all over the USA for art societies, manufacturers, CHA, and anywhere they would have me. i loved it and consider it the peak of myself when i look back. now i am in a dark hole. many contributors to it. my best art reflects it yet so many people don't want to admit that they feel those same things from time to time. i think art should evoke or reflect emotion. it should be a piece of YOU. so do take time to keep in touch with that inner girl, Dyan. and please share it because I think people will see that we are all similar and have obstacles we try to hide but life is touch sometimes. we still go on even when it's not happy shiny glitter. LOVE this post. thank you for sharing a real piece of yourself. <3

Diane J said...

Heavens to betsy!!! I love what you are doing. I would love to say don't change a thing, but we all need some changes in our life or it would get boring. Just always remember to have fun and time for yourself. Love to read your blog.

Gina said...

Hey Dyan! We love you the way you are..........whatever!

christine said...

Dyan, you are an amazing person! You are lucky enough to have found yourself and are comfortable with who you are. I'm still looking, but am hopeful!

LittleNook said...

Love it <3 Love the rawness <3

Siobhan Brignull said...

so great to hear from YOU again, Ive missed your frankness and openness and your beautiful emotion driven art.
when you hit PUBLISH and we read it, it makes me search myself for what you are talking about and realise that we all carry the pain of living around with us everyday and to be open about our feelings is to welcome others in, and this helps share the load we carry.
Thank you for being you and being honest and open.

BETTY said...

Thank You !!

beekay said...

I really don't have the words to express how you have touched my life. Your approach to art gave me permission to create art and your honesty encourages me to be be. Thank you!

Scrappychick said...

Oh Dyan, where do I begin? You have so inspired the inner artist in me that had been piddling but afraid to explore the real me. Creatively that is. I face most of the same personality issues as you which I am sure you picked up on after our weekend in Greensboro. I have found over the last few years that by recognizing and embracing them I am happier now than ever. It is always so wonderful to me to find someone so like me. And you have thrived and given me so much hope that I can do the same! I look forward to classes in Houston and a great big hug! Cyndi

Angrina said...

Dear Dyan,

Your a wonderfull woman. You did the right thing to write this down! You are who you are, and that makes you the very special person you are!
You're making other people happy,
You're giving people positive energy,
You're bringing colour in peoples lives and hearts.
And this list is not complete.
I'm priveliged to have met you when you where in the Netherlands. You gave my friends and me so much positive energy we still talk about you!!!!! You're in our hearts!
Love Karin

susiesu said...

PUBLISH do not press delete. What a wonderful record of how far you have come and grown Dyan. You have found yourself through your art journaling and are comfortable with who you are. And we are learning through you all the time. Thanks for sharing your private moments with us lots of love Susiesu xxx

artsguy515 said...

Dyan,
Thank you for having the courage to share your raw self. You having the courage to share this will help others to have the courage to use their art journal in a raw healing way. I am one such person. I have been using an art journal to assemble quotes, and do some artistic freedom stuff, but never thought about doing a true journal where I truly leave myself so open and vulnerable. Today I am going to start a secret journal just for myself. Thank you immensely.
~Jay

Saskia said...

That must have been such a scary moment when you hit PUBLISH.
I am glad you did, thank you!

Renee said...

I'm so glad you pushed publish! I'm sorry the road has been difficult but you've helped so many learn how to cope with all the imperfections and obstacles in life. Big hugs. Know you are loved by many!

Nancy said...

Yea! You DID hit 'publish'! Having read this post, well, I already knew I liked you - a lot! - but now? I love you, woman! You are awesome! You are everything we all are & thank God for that! I now feel even more blessed to have been able to meet you face-to-face & hug you last month. Dyan, you are ... you. Incredible!

Charli said...

I'm so very glad you did decide to publish this post Dy!! And you should feel very proud of yourself for doing so, it was very courageous of you to share so much of yourself!

I haven't really felt the urge to log in and leave a comment for quite a while, but how could I not after reading this?!

For years now I have wanted to delve into the world of art journalling but have yet to start - with so many excuses, can't afford it etc - but seeing what you accomplished with just some paint, magazine images and a pen proves that to make a start you don't need fancy products.

Things have been pretty strained emotionally for me lately - my mum is only 48 and is battling breast cancer. I keep a brave face for my daughter's sake and my little sister (who is 8), but so often I find myself near breaking point, terrified and full of guilt. I don't live near her, not even in the same county, so I feel useless an guilty for not being there to look after my mum!! Wow - I've never said that out loud before!

I love the idea that I could spill all those deep dark feelings out onto a page and then obscure it from others eyes with paint or images.

I'm so sorry for rambling on! I just really wanted to say THANK YOU DYAN for being so honest and brave! You truly are a remarkable lady!!
Much love to you xx

massofhair said...

No tears but plenty to reflect upon. I have never felt worthy of anything, have no self esteem and think everything i do is crap. This comes from both my parents telling me time and time again that i will not aspire to anything and i am useless...

Both my parents are dead but i still
struggle to get away from those nagging feelings, maybe it's time to journal and
express my inner turmoil.

Thanks Dyan for sharing your journey, this is the first time online i have shared a little of mine. Now do i press publish or not? You did so here goes:-)

Crafty Humphreys said...

Hi Dyan. You brave lady. So glad you've spoken out. My life is chaotic at the moment. I've not written this anywhere but I am a recovered bulimic. I wasted years of my life and energy to it. Now I'm watching my 18 year old daughter struggle with her demons, she's been in a psychiatric ward now for 8 weeks in a cycle of attempted suicide & self harm. Complicated, beautiful, talented girl. Seeing her struggle with her weight (another 5lb on last week she tells me), depression, dyslexia, possibly something else they are trying to assess, and low self esteem is torture. Every day at the moment I'm scared it's her last. It's always comforting to hear the stories of others and see how they too can recapture happiness. I started art journaling by chance because you let me have a space on one of your journaling classes in July before the demo days....I'm just learning how to let go on paper, it feels safer than in real life! I hope one day my daughter will be able give it a try if she can make it through. Keep fighting for your happiness and sanity Dyan, it IS worth it! Sorry to ramble. Love Suz xxx

Sande Nosek said...

I'm so glad you published! If everyone could be so open there wouldn't be any sadness held in. My 18 yo is rapid cycling bipolar, autistic, OCD, ODD, and currently in jail since May. I have been art journaling and purchasing your product since January and feel such a relief after letting it all out. It's really like Im pYing for my private counselor lol. Keep on, keeping on! What more is there to so? Plus I have a strong faith which keeps me going! Gotta love that guy!

Lea said...

I like to walk in the rain, too. Going through a rough patch at the moment and so wish it would rain! Love and hugs.

Tracy Heaton said...

Blimey, glad you hit publish. What an eye opener. I too have impostor syndrome, although until I read your post, I didn't know it had a name and I just took it to be part and parcel of my self esteem issues.
We brought up our daughter with a strong self belief, and she's now paying it back to me by positive reinforcement and I'm learning to recognize my talents and to put myself out there - in the back of my mind is still the voice of doubt, but my daughter is louder!

Betty said...

You are my inspiration to accept things the way they are, but still push ahead to make them better every day. I loved the brief time we had together when you visited my store. My friends and customers can't wait to see you again. We thank you for always sharing your journey with us. Thank you for pressing publish. I did cry, but they were happy helpful tears. See you soon in Texas - Betty

Marjie Kemper said...

So glad you hit publish. Your honesty impresses me so much. Not to mention your gorgeous art. Hugs to you.

Mel's Musings said...

Brave move and one I admire and respect. I've reached an age where I don't give a toss what others think of me. We're all flawed. It's what makes us beautiful, unique human beings.

Only just found you and love you already! xx

Quote of the Century


"You are an extraordinary woman.


How can you expect anything ordinary to happen to you"


Louisa May Alcott